Let me know how you found me, where you're from, why you're here, a little about yourself, recommend a book, recommend a movie, tell me a secret, tell me something, ask me a question, etc. =)

Ad Astra,

The Bride of the First House.
bride (at) livejournal (dot) com

weather	:		clear
outside	:		15.6°C
mood	:		...

It's not as bad as it sounds. Blood commonly symbolizes life, love and passion. Losing blood and bleeding, commonly symbolizes mental or emotional drain. And that's really nothing I didn't already know. Crying in a dream is a way of letting go of built up mental/emotional intensity that I'd have too much control and discipline to do during the day, in front of other people.

I often wonder if dreams and nightmares wouldn't make a lot more sense to people if only they took the time to listen to their own bodies and get to know themselves better.

I had a mildly interesting conversation the other day.

I was asked if I feel regret. Of course I do. Psychopaths and sociopaths aside, everyone feels regret at some time or another. People who say they "have no regrets" don't actually mean they have no regrets. They mean something completely different.

The important thing is to use regret to motivate myself in the right direction, but not to let regret hinder or slow myself down.

Whatever choices I made in the past, whether they were right or wrong, whether they were good or bad, I trust myself to have done the best I could with the information I had, in the situation/context I was in at the time. I respect those choices and accept the consequences as they are.

I think it's only right to apply that same understanding and compassion with myself as I would with someone else.

weather	:		partly cloudy
outside	:		20.0°C
mood	:		...

( The Venerable Master )

And this one was a few nights ago. ={

( Bus Nightmare )

weather	:		rainshowers
outside	:		14°C
mood	:		hmm...

( I'm walking into the boardroom... )

In a bizarre and twisted way, I think understand the time paradox. If I do understand it right, the next dream in this sequence should be further back in time than this one and I think I can even guess at the events in the next one.

weather	:		mixed
outside	:		8°C
mood	:		blah
music	:	Jackie Chan - 我有我路向

*            *            *

I'm sitting on the end of a couch, in a carpeted room, with my feet next to the corner of a coffee table... and that's it, nothing happens. There are other people in the room. I don't see them though. It's as if time has frozen between speakers of a calm but intense situation or conversation. I am the topic of discussion. There is a weighty issue that needs resolution. I don't know what it is. I'm just sitting there, staring at my feet, partially participating, partially zoning out.

*            *            *

I'm leaning on a balcony railing, looking out onto the ocean.

*            *            *

I'm far-sighted. That's the entire dream sequence. I don't see anything, I don't do anything, nothing happens. I'm just far-sighted.

*            *            *

He and I are walking side by side. I have no idea who he is. I have no idea who I am. He disappears from beside me and reappears in front of me. I don't look at him, so I can't describe him. He presents me with a small, but beautiful trinket. I'm still not looking at him. 送給妳的 (For you). 你又來花錢了 (You're spending money [needlessly] again).

*            *            *

They're not scary or disturbing dreams. They're not even that weird, but it says I'm waking up often. They were very calm and matter-of-fact. Even the last one was pretty devoid of emotion, although I do wish I could go back and apologize to him, whoever he is, for being such an ungracious wretch.

I'm really in no mood for the holiday season. Q1 2005 is bothering me too much to be able to enjoy anything right now.

weather	:		cloudy/rainy
outside	:		16°C
mood	:		blah

( This one began with a phone conversation... )

It was a cute dream... if strange and twisted. It was disturbing, but not nearly as bad as the rip-roaring nightmares I used to have.

[Update - Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 1009h]

( Dream Analysis )

weather	:		partially sunny
outside	:		7°C
mood	:		amused

I'll analyze later.

( Okay, it's later. )

weather	:		rainy
outside	:		7°C
mood	:		exhausted

( The most vivid one was that someone was trying to kill me. )

( The Analysis )

weather	:		miserable
outside	:		10°C
mood	:		tired

This stupid project, that is annoying everyone to all hell, needs to end. November 15th is target date for the Truly-Honest-to-Goodness end of the project. October 31 was the legal contract end date, but we're doing the goodwill unbilled extension for them until November 15.

At yesterday's conference call, they started talking about what we're doing next week... we all look at the Project Lead with big bulging panic eyes to see him with big bulging panic eyes looking at the phone, waving both arms from side to side and mouthing "NONONONONONO!!!" =D

We are SO NOT doing any more work for them next week. This is it. They're on their own next week. We're having our Ship-It Dinner and getting our project markers and THAT'S THAT.

I was kinda wiped yesterday because I didn't sleep well Monday night and I had to get up early for work. So, last night, I thought I'd take a Gravol to fall asleep at a sane hour (like sometime before 0400h would be good). I don't do this all the time, just once in a long while when I think I need it.

I had a rip-roaring terrorist nightmare... yeah, that'll learn me to artificially conk =P A group of terrorists had taken over about a block of residences along 49th Ave. and Oak St. (Vancouver, BC). They were lobbing grenades, pipe bombs and burning torch sticks at the rush hour traffic going through that intersection. It was on the news and everything. Somehow, I heard that one of my Aunts got dragged out of her car and beaten. I didn't get the impression that it was all that serious because I phoned her, in my dream, and we exchanged the perfunctory initial greeting and smalltalk before I very calmly asked how she was doing.

I soaked the top of my jammy-shirt sweating. And I'm still tired. =P

weather	:		sunny
outside	:		15°C
mood	:		hmmm...

Reading other peoples' dreams can be disjointed and boring. I tend to remember a LOT of detail from my dreams, so I'll stick this in a cut.

( Weird Eminem Dream )

That's when I woke up... I don't think it's an anxiety dream, even though it's the classic anxiety elements. I felt quite calm, in control and fairly confident through it. It may just be me telling myself that the "little people" (characterized by "big people") don't matter. I'm better than they are, however "cool" and "in" they think they are. And whatever bullshit they can muster, bring it on. It won't phase me.

[	weather	|		cloudy	]
[	mood	|		calm	]

I see David Duchovny's face briefly. Then he suddenly has his arm around my neck, yanks me in his direction and points a gun at my head. He yells something at some other people that I couldn't see and drags me into this doorway. He pulls me in further and further into this dark hallway of some building.

I see nothing but black, but I hear Gillian's voice outside mumble, "It's Mulder, he's gone nuts and he has a hostage...". So I thought I was in the X-Files reality and this was Mulder who was pointing a gun at my head and not David Duchovny.

I really got scared at this point and started to cry. My eyes had also started to adjust to the dark and we were in the backstage hallways of an empty auditorium. I was choking and sobbing things like, "Mulder, no! Please let me go! Mulder, let me go!". He was ignoring me.

He dragged me up to the stage from a backstage entrance. The whole place was empty, dark and smelly. There was a grand piano in the middle of the stage - not a shiny ebony polished one, it was a dingy brown wooden one with chips and cracks. He sits me down on the bench, the gun's still in his left hand, still pointed at my head, his right arm still around my neck, he sits down on my left.

Then Mulder goes, "Play me something". I sob that I can't play piano and please let me go. He gets huffing mad that I can't (or won't) play and with his right hand on my neck, he slams my head, face up, onto the keys so that there's that loud disorganized chord that you get when you hit all the notes at once. I cry harder.

He shoves his face right up against mine as if he was going to snarl some angry comment at me. I'm still crying, frightened and thinking that all this is very real and that Mulder was going to kill me.

Then, Mulder guffaws and thumps his forehead against mine, smiling and giggling... I hear "CUT!" and Mulder gets up. I hear someone say something to Mulder, to the effect of "How could you forget your line after all that?!". I'm sitting up by now, I couldn't see anything because of the tears in my eyes. I was still pretty shaken because I actually thought it was all real, but I wasn't as scared anymore.

David walks back to me, smiles to me, pats me on the back and goes, "Sorry..." and walks around in a circle chuckling gleefully like "Oh my god, I can't believe I forgot my line after all that, but that was fun". That's when I woke up.

So it occurred to me that I was an actress on the set and we were filming a scene that involved me, but *uugh*... This happened really fast, so most of the descriptions and the more analytic parts came from thinking about it after I woke up.

I had a bizarre dream this morning. I'd forgotten all about it during the day. It's like a Star Trek fantasy version of what happened to me in February 1999 when I was almost robbed at knife-point in my garage.

( I dreamed that I was Hoshi Sato on Star Trek Enterprise. )