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Ad Astra,

The Bride of the First House.
bride (at) livejournal (dot) com

weather	:		sunny
outside	:		8°C
mood	:		spooky   =)
music	:	彭佳慧 - 舊夢

One Saturday morning, approximately late this summer or early autumn, I went down to the kitchen and found the bottle of honey on the floor. It's usually on the counter, somewhat close to the edge, but there's really no way it could fall.

There was honey splattered on the lower cupboard doors and on the floor as well. As if someone threw it or dropped it.

I hadn't used this new bottle of honey since the guys got it.

Husband Guy and I had gone to bed pretty early the night before. He'd been working late all week and I was kinda having trouble sleeping again, so we decided to pack it in early. If we had dropped the honey and made that big of a mess, it would have been cleaned before we went to bed. We definitely would not have left that.

Brother-in-Law Dude was out until the wee hours Saturday morning. I truly doubt he was in a state to be using the honey when he got home. I asked him and he said he went straight to bed when he got home. He didn't get up until almost mid-day.

Mother-in-Law was in Taiwan until mid-October. There shouldn't have been anyone else in the house.

Then shortly after the honey incident, Husband Guy was in the kitchen one morning getting breakfast and he said he distinctly heard the front door deadbolt thump (either fasten or unfasten). He went out to look but the deadbolt was fastened. Then when he was back in the kitchen, he said he heard a rustle like someone was flipping the page of a newspaper. The noise was coming from the study in the front of the house, right by the front door.

This room is also where we have a small, simple shrine for Grandma Jing-Tsun. Just her picture and a few belongings. It was her desk (sort of) when she was alive. It's just a desk pad with pictures of all the grandchildren on it, a few trinkets, etc. No ancestral plaque or burning incense sticks or anything. Nothing elaborate.

She used to 唸經 at that desk. Hmm... "recite scriptures" is what my dictionary says for 唸經. Let's try 念佛. Ah, "recite Buddhist sutras as prayer". Better. =)

She did use the honey quite a bit when she was alive too.

I'm not superstitious. It's bad luck to be superstitious. But all the same, I bowed three times in front of her picture to pay my respects and the strange happenings then seemed to stop.

weather	:		sunny
outside	:		15°C
mood	:		sad/resigned

The Husband

He was talking to me a while ago about getting over Guai-Guai's disappearance. He's a bit surprised that it had been less than a week and he'd already started to "get over it". And he said that he was also okay with Grandma's death in a short time as well — heh, we were goofing around in bed the morning after (no sexually explicit material; I'm not like that, sheesh =), but the debilitating sadness was pretty sporadic. I guess he thought that because he didn't feel sad longer, it meant he didn't love them as much as he ought.

I pointed out that losing someone who was suffering, as Grandma did, was always going to come with a little relief and the feeling that the death was actually a good thing, which is easier to accept. At Grandma's age and condition, that was the reality of it.

The bird... well, what's happened has happened. We've done everything we can to try to find him and there has to be a cut-off point where we say, "okay, that's it, he's gone". We couldn't keep escalating the search effort and our Rainy Day Fund — though I must say, is impressive for us — isn't bottomless.

No one can tell you how to grieve, for how long, in what way. It's highly individual in each case.

His grandfather, though, is a different kind of loss.

Grandpa was in town this last week and is slowly showing more and more signs of dementia. He's headed back to Taiwan now, but ... what a week. He forgets that Grandma is gone and keeps demanding to know (sometimes angrily) where she is. He blurs people together, often we're not sure if he's talking about Mother-In-Law, Grandma or his caretaker lady. He'll also transpose the caretaker lady and Grandma. He'll open the door, walk outside for no reason we know of and try to open other peoples' car doors with whatever is in his pocket (loose change?). He definitely can't be left alone.

He's still coherent when he's well rested. He asked me when we were going to Taiwan next and we had a pleasant conversation. But when Grandpa is tired, he starts hallucinating. It's very common in the elderly, but it scares everyone around them. Several times, Grandpa kept saying there were little kids. "What are those kids doing in our yard?!" ... there were no kids. Then he saw kids in his room and on his bed.

The night his jetlag hit the hardest, he completely flipped out about "the other people in the house", reamed us all out for renting out the house to other people (we're not renting anything out) and they were all stealing his stuff (he's already taken all his valuables with him the last time he was here). And he'd forget that he'd already yelled at us about it and repeatedly blew up several times about the same thing.

Watching a loved one deteriorate, mentally or physically, hurts just as much as actually losing them.

This is something Husband Guy hasn't experienced and I have limited exposure to. I offered to help him find a family support group or a counsellor or something if he needed someone to talk or someone who can help.

*sigh*

weather	:		sunny
outside	:		15°C
mood	:		okay

This past Monday (the 14th) was 崇 洋 (Chong Yang), the 9th Day of the 9th Moon in the Lunar Calendar. We went to pay our respects on the 12th to avoid the crowds. Apparently everyone else was "avoiding the crowd" as well. =P The flower shops were busting at the seams with Chinese people buying flowers - Chinese don't usually buy flowers for any other reason =)

My maternal grandmother was laid to rest in the same cemetary as Husband Guy's paternal grandmother. My parents didn't tell me this until recently because of our wedding. My Grandma passed away in 1983 in Guangzhou, China, but my Aunt May was the last of Grandma's children to immigrate to Canada, so her ashes were brought here.

I remember when my Aunt May first arrived, they lit three incense sticks for Grandma. When you burn incense, the ash will fall off the top of the stick usually. There's an old saying that if there's more than an inch of ashes that stay on the stick, then the soul of the deceased is nearby and/or experiencing great joy. That day, there was over 4 whole inches of ashes that stayed on the middle one. The ashes bent over and curved, but none of it ever fell off. It might have something to do with the lower humidity in Vancouver than southern China, I don't know. But I've never seen incense ash do that before and I've never seen anything like it since.

Anyway, Mom, Dad, Brother Boy, Husband Guy and I went together. We didn't do the whole nine yards (as I described in my other journal entry). We just lay down the flowers and did a simple 3 bows with a moment of silence, then did the same for Husband Guy's Grandma.

We went out to Golden Dynasty for dim sum afterwards. After paying respects at an ancestor's gravesite, you're supposed to have a meal in a very public place so that the death aura dissipates. We're not superstitious, we go through the motions if it's not too much of an inconvenience.

weather	:		cloudy
mood	:		mellow
music	:	Ben Heppner - O Noble Lame Etincelante, Airs Français

The Chinese say it's not a good idea to keep going back to the grave site of the deceased after the funeral. That way, the soul won't leave the Middle Kingdom to go where it's supposed to because it keeps being attracted back by the energies of the living. There are only two times in the year that you go Tomb Sweeping or "go to pay your respects" - it is not supposed to be called "visiting"; you don't ever "visit the deceased", nor do you ever "go to see them".

The Spring Remembrance, 清 明 , is 105 days after the Winter Solstice of the Lunar Calendar. It's sometime in late March or early April of the Western calendar. The Autumn Remembrance, 崇 洋 , is the Ninth Day of the Ninth Moon of the Lunar Calendar which is some time in mid-October (it'll be October 14, 2002). This is when the family goes to the grave site to weed/clean/sweep the grave site (hence the term "Grave Sweeping") and pay their respects.

You also bring

• rice
• cooked whole chicken, with the head still attached
• cooked pork
• various assorted and expensive fruits
• wine or whiskey
• any particular food that the deceased favoured in life.

The meal would be taken to the cemetery and laid out on the ground or table as would a regular meal. Often Chinese burial grounds are outfitted with altar-like tables for such activities. I don't know if they'll have them where Grandma is.

Three rounded bowls of rice, three cups of rice wine and three sets of chopsticks would be laid out. The whole family would bow and pray to the ancestor, asking for the security of the family. Once the table is set, the youngest child present picks up the glass with the wine and pours it onto the grave, providing a drink for the ancestor. Then all present would partake in the food, assuring that the dead would not have to dine alone. This ritual is performed to ensure that the dead were not hungry on the other side, and provided good fortune for all their descendants.

My life was blessed, love grew with your giving
And it shall endure
As it did in your living.


親 愛 的 奶 奶 ,

我 將 永 遠 記 得 您 慈 祥 的 音 容 笑 貌 。 您
和 爺 爺 相 親 相 愛 是 我 門 的 好 榜 樣 。 我
門 倆 會 努 力 做 人 ， 不 辜 負 您 的 期 望 。
您 離 開 了 我 門 ， 但 您 永 遠 會 在 我 門 心
中 。

安 息 吧 ， 奶 奶 。

長 孫 媳 婦 叩 上


In Loving Memory Of Grandma Lin

weather	:		sunny
mood	:		teary but fine

We went over to Ocean View today to see Grandma. They had her in the casket, dressed, her make up, hair, nails, accessories, etc. were all done. The family seemed to be happy with the dressup/makeup job. "As if she's just sleeping".

We were all in tears seeing her again. Seeing her that way just created a denial effect in me, like she wasn't really gone. I kept expecting her to move or twitch or something. I wonder if it's just going to make the final goodbye even harder.

John, the Funeral Director, walked us through the day.

Ocean View will send two limousines, the casket in one and another passenger one. They'll go to K's place first, then R's, then our house to pick up the family. They can seat up to 14, so one person will go in Uncle Liu's car. Teresa and Jason are going to be at the Guest desk outside the chapel hall to greet guests. The flower wreaths will be lined up along the front behind the casket.

The service will be about 45 minutes to an hour. Then, they'll get people to file past the casket to pay their final respects. The gold cloth will be pulled up to her chin and the casket will be closed.

The six pall bearers will be lined up in the two rows just outside the door. The casket gets wheeled out and they carry it into the back of the limousine. There will be limos to take the family out to the grave site. I don't know about the guests.

Once the limo has arrived, the pall bearers will carry the casket from the limousine to the grave site. The casket gets lowered into the safe and the top soil placed on top.

I wanted to recite some poetry for Grandma about life's transitions. I don't want anything to do with death, because that's not what I think it is. And I want something in keeping with Grandma's personality - she never wanted anyone to be stressed or inconvenienced on her account. I, personally, think the crying and wailing would make her extremely uncomfortable. If we can't come up with anything, then I won't speak at all.

I haven't said anything to W yet and I don't think I will for a long time. I, personally, wouldn't want to be shown and paraded like that. And I honestly don't think the body will decompose properly in a casket like that.

I'm worried that the casket will be too heavy for the pall bearers. I resent the family (I guess mostly K & T) for getting a big heavy Cherry wood casket and picking the burial site so far off the path. And I wouldn't want that for my family.

weather	:		sunny/cloudy
mood	:		okay

We're still being very methodical about it all. I was talking to the Kathleen-Friend who has lost grandparents and she said "...the point when it will really hit is when something great happens and you instinctively turn to tell that person."

The funeral has been arranged for next week. It'll be a Western style funeral. They took a few sets of Grandma's clothes, her glasses and jewellery to the funeral arrangement people. I guess it'll be an open-casket.

I've been looking for a black business suit ensemble to wear. The difficulty at this time of year is that boutiques are clearing out their winter stock now, so the black long sleeved blazers are sold out and no more are being ordered in. The long sleeve ones still available are not in my size. The ones that are in my size and will fit, are short sleeved. It'll still be too chilly for short sleeves.

*sigh* I was thinking about a black business suit ensemble just this last fall/winter. Not particularly for a funeral - no one ever really thinks about preparing for funerals. Just as interview attire or generally something presentable to wear for a formal-ish occasion. I got a white shirt, but the rest of it was a low priority thought, so it fell off the radar.

I have to drop by my parents' place sometime tomorrow to give them the concert tickets back. My parents' choir is having a concert and they're performing. We were going to go, but my Dad told me not to. We're not supposed to be visiting non-family members' homes, going out, going to weddings, showers, etc. within a month (or two?) of a death in the family for fear of bringing the "death aura" with us.

weather	:		sunny/cloudy
mood	:		numb

Grandma passed away at 12:30am this morning.

I'm still numb. I don't think it's fully sunken in for me yet.

[Update - 2305h]

Thank you all for your condolences and good wishes.

weather	:		drizzling
mood	:		sad

I posted yesterday about Husband Guy's Grandmother. I made it private at first.

Grandma was taken to the hospital yesterday again because her lungs had completely filled up with fluid again. They have her in the Emergency ward. The hospital is operating at full capacity and there's nowhere to put her.

Husband Guy told me not to worry about her, that they're draining the fluid again and this will hopefully buy her some more time. He updated me last night when he came home from the hospital. She can't see anymore. Even with her eyes open. She has trouble recognizing anyone. They have a breathing mask on her with the oxygen level at maximum.

What a difference a few days makes... just this last weekend, she was still eating on her own.

I've never known my own grandparents, she's the only Grandma I've ever had.

weather	:		drizzling
mood	:		sad

Grandma slid out of bed Sunday morning. For some reason, she likes sleeping on the very edge of her bed and stick her feet outside the covers, off the side of the bed. I guess she edged herself a little too far and slipped right off.

Her bed is about a foot away from the wall. So, Sunday morning, Grandpa heard a loud noise and went to get Husband Guy's father to help. When he found her, she was in a kneeling position against the wall, on the floor next to her bed. Her oxygen tubes had slipped off her face and she wasn't breathing.

He put her back on the bed, put her tubes back in place, kept patting her on the back and she started breathing again.

She doesn't have much time left. She's had lymph fluid swelling for a while now too. It started in her feet and it comes up past her waist now. She's having trouble breathing, even with the oxygen breathing apparatus. The doctor estimated her life expectancy to be 2 months in January. She's lived past that now.

Since the last time I wrote, Grandma has been doing steadily worse. After her colon surgery, she had talked about not having any more surgery even if doctors recommended it. MIL just kept telling her that surgery meant that she could live longer and she had to live long enough to see her great-grandchildren. That seemed to keep her going for a while.

The test results from the lung fluid in November said that the fluid was all cancerous. The doctors stopped prescribing all drugs except pain killers and just sent her home. She's been on Morphine for the last week.

Grandma has also been in a fog since she came home from her November 2001 hospital stay to drain the fluid from her lungs. Her reasoning ability has gone to bits. And I've been watching my husband's father take full advantage of that. Grandma started saying things that indicated a sudden and strange change of mind that could not be anything other than his words.

She hasn't been able to walk on her own, it takes 2-3 people to help her up and down the stairs (but she insists on going up and down the stairs every day). Talking is a chore because she keeps coughing. She was still eating by herself, but not much else.

Grandpa is pretty heartbroken. He holds her hand and cries.

These last two days have been crazy. I have so much to do at work. It's not overwhelming, but it's no picnic either.

I haven't had much time to myself lately. It's been work 9:00am to 7:30 or 8:00pm, stop by the hospital to visit Husband Guy's Grandma*, then go home, have dinner, catch up on home e-mail, shower, read in bed for a while then go to sleep.

Well, I asked for stability.

* I don't think I wrote about this. *sigh* Grandma has been in the hospital for 3 weeks now. One lung had completely filled up with fluid. They had to put a drain in under her ribcage and monitor it carefully. The drain has been taken out now, but Grandma is almost 80 and weakened a lot by last year's surgery, so she's having a difficult time recovering.

Grandma has been battling cancer for years now. It started out as Breast Cancer. She had surgery in one breast years ago, then discovered a lump in the other one over the winter of 1999, before E's wedding. She recovered fairly well from that one. We were all marvelling how well she did and thinking that was very encouraging.

The winter of 2000, before our wedding, they discovered the cancer had spread to her large intestine. So, she had surgery to remove a collection of tumours. After that surgery, she could no longer stool from her anus - two holes were cut in her abdomen and stool bags were attached. For a while, she couldn't urinate either, she had a hose connected through the urethra and a bag that had to be carried around with her 24x7.

She hated it. Sometimes the hose would snag on something or someone would accidentally catch it with their foot when she was at the dinner table and it would get yanked... once, Grandpa got pissed off and pushed the chair that her bag was hanging on. Anything that yanked the hose caused her a lot of pain. Then for a while after, the urine would look light or dark pink from the bleeding. It was just heartwrenching to watch her have to go through that.

The urine hose and bag came off in March/April 2001. But she still had very little control over her urinary tract muscles. She began to wear Depends. Sometime just before our wedding, she had to go back to the urine hose/bag. I remember her being livid at that. But I think it worked out... I think they gave her two smaller bags that were just taped to her back. At least I didn't notice anything from her outer appearance.

Every week, she had a nurse come in to clean her dressings and other maintenance/upkeep. Every month or so, she went to the hospital to get the hoses that went into her back changed. Almost every month, the doctors (probably a different one every time) had difficulties getting the new hose in because it was such a tight fit. *choked sigh* It had to be tight so that they would stay, but she'd be hurting for a week after the hoses were forced in like that.

When she started coughing in February/March 2001 before our wedding though, I knew something was up. The large intestine and the lungs are closely connected. If the cancer was in the large intestine, the next place it would go is the lungs. She had regular x-rays, but the results kept saying she was okay. Then this last time, it was nearly too late. Feh.

This is one of the reasons Husband Guy and I want to have a baby as soon as possible. We want a baby for all the right reasons and some of the wrong reasons as well.

We have a baby cockatiel (two months old). He's mostly white with a bit of yellow, a yellow tuft of feathers on his head and bright orange clown spots on both cheeks. I don't think he officially has a name yet... although, I think my MIL has been calling him Guai-Guai (meaning "well-behaved"; "obedient"; "darling").

We need to get him a new cage. The one he's in right now is from eons ago when Grandma had the other cockatiel. It's all old and kinda rusty... which worries me because he holds onto the cage with his beak when he's climbing around. I also noticed that he's licking the cage... =P

His wings are still not clipped, so he can't be let out to run around yet. He's also still afraid of people, so we wouldn't want him freaking and flying all over to get away from us. I took some pictures, so I should be able to post some soon.

Of course, this roll of 36 exposure has been in my camera for a long time now (like over a year), so I don't know if the pictures will still turn out...

Grandma wants a cockatiel. She had one over ten years ago (before I met Husband Guy). But she was in the hospital, Grandpa left a window open and it flew away. It was in the middle of winter, so there wasn't anything we could do about it. I don't know how serious she is about getting one, but she's definitely going to bird stores and looking. Kinda like when I go to the pet store at the mall to look at puppies.