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Just Before I Go Coffee

[weather|clear sunny]
[mood|as of yet, uncoffee'd]

*sigh* I feel bad posting all the miserable things in my life. I feel bad that others have to read it. I don't like being a downer, I really don't. I think I'll try to stick to happy posts in my journal from now on. I don't really want to make the yucky posts "Friends Only" either because, why should I unload my shit on my friends?

I was talking to piyomomo last night and at one point, I said, "I vent, but in the end, they are my family." They may not like me and I'll always be held to some vague, ever-changing, unattainable standard. But that's the way it goes. That's just the way it goes. I don't play the Fake Affection Monkey game.

There's also a sense of shame that I feel in telling the world what a failure I am. True, that in the grand scheme of things, it's really insignificant. It's kinda like, what's wrong with me that I won't do myself a favour, get away from these people and move on with my life? Leaving would be punishing ourselves and letting the evil ones have the run of the house, getting away with what they're doing. That feels even more wrong.


Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
badkarma_05
Jan. 14th, 2002 12:36 pm (UTC)
I don't think you should feel badly about writing about your feelings. If you sensor yourself, becuase you don't want to put off a bad {{{vibe}}} you're not being true to your journal. It is your journal, and you're not obligated to help make someone else fee good, just becaue they come and read it. And you can always mark a entry "private" if its really sensative. I do.

And what is this failure thing? I'm not sure what success or failure means in a marrigae. A marriage's ability to survive is contingent upon more than just the effort of one partner. Regardless, every marriage will have good and poor points. You are not a failure.
bride
Jan. 14th, 2002 12:54 pm (UTC)
Re:
And you can always mark a entry "private" if its really sensative. I do.

Yeah, that's what I meant. I'll stick to happier public posts, rant about things that are more general and whine in private =)

Re: the failure thing

That just meant that I feel like my writing about them reflects badly on me. And because they're such losers and they're my family, it makes me look like an idiot that I can't get away from them.
badkarma_05
Jan. 14th, 2002 08:33 pm (UTC)
Heh... Don't feel bad about your family. I have a family albumn chalk full o'losers. :)
mofo_x
Jan. 14th, 2002 03:33 pm (UTC)
Bah,

I long ago decided that this journal was for me rather than for everyone else, so I generally write how I feel good or bad... I think it's good to get some of those negative feelings out in your journal, and (for me at least) it's at least comforting to know that I can rant to someone even if it's a semi-anonymous person on the internet.

The only reason I post so many "friends-only" posts is that there are a few people I know in real-life who apparently read my journal regularly and I like to bitch about some pretty personal issues that I would rather not let people in my social circle read about...

So I don't think you should have to feel bad about posting negative thoughts on your journal... after all, you're just venting... :D. I find LJ to be very theraputic in that sense... it's kind of like having your very own support group :).

god knows you read about all the bitchy posts that I make
bride
Jan. 14th, 2002 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re:
there are a few people I know in real-life who apparently read my journal regularly and I like to bitch about some pretty personal issues

Yeah, that's it too. I really don't know who's reading my journal and when. I honestly don't expect people to care enough to be reading my journal on a daily basis. But once upon a time, this journal was linked to my Wedding site, so I just don't know.
piyomomo
Jan. 14th, 2002 09:06 pm (UTC)
you know exactly who's who on my list (well, you take up 1/2 my list!) so right now i try to remember to mark some entries as friends/private. i actually feel more comfortable writing knowing that more strangers read it than friends. usually my rants are about people in my social group (although not many of them read it) and they can really bug me when they're inconsiderate and thoughtless and.... well, i'll save that for an entry instead. ;)

and like (was it)badkarma said, it's like a support group. i don't care what people think because if they don't see me for who i am they can just move on to another journal. but sometimes it's nice to get comments and advice from people you just don't know. and i know a lot of people care, bride, just from most of the comments you get (and not just weird ass tard talk)... =)

bellacrow
Jan. 14th, 2002 10:19 pm (UTC)
it's a hard question. It's not always easy to say " ok, my family is dysfunctional in a way that I cant deal with so I'm cutting them away." Shoot, most people cant fathom doing that.

You're a success IMO because you dont take the labels and judgements they put on you. and that you understand why/how they say that and dont hold it against them.

*hugs*
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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