February 22nd, 2004


Flashback: First Job @ Ex-Work

weather: partially sunny
outside: 8°C
mood: nostalgic
OMG! Look what I found in an obscure corner of my harddrive! =D

July 30, 1999:

Work has been going really well these last few weeks. Since I've been shuffled into the Utilities Implementation Engineering Group, I've been learning a lot, doing a lot and discovering that some of the other engineers (the ones previously trained as Customer Service Engineers) aren't capable of doing some of the things I am even though they've been with the company a lot longer than I have.

On my third day, they had me cleaning up core system schemas.

By my first week, I had found and fixed issues that got past Development and testing(!).

By my second week, I could recognize configuration files upside down, literally. I went to talk to a teamlead and I was standing opposite his cube desk. He was pouring over a print-out. It was facing him and upside down to me. I said, "that's the config schema file for XYZ, isn't it?" He was impressed.

In my third week, I was scared shitless when they asked me to fix stuff in Visual Basic. I told them I had never seen Visual Basic in my life. After I was finished, they called me a liar. =)

By the end of my first month, people started asking me questions instead of the other way around.

I'm getting along really well with my co-workers. I'm one of two girls in a group of 35 (25 fulltimers + 10 Co-ops) — there's one girl co-op but she's leaving at the end of August =( Anyway, the biggest ego-boo was when overheard my boss tell my Grand-Boss and Great-Grand-Boss that I was "one of the guys". =D =D =D

[Husband Guy] has been super-busy. Hasbro's "Chutes & Ladders" went Gold Master on July 15th. The very second they finished, he started working on Hasbro's "Tonka Construction II" that was already in the middle of development. He doesn't come home before 11pm on any given day. On weekends, the both of us are more than likely at work.

But we're happy at the moment. Both our careers are taking off. =)


Flashback: Ex-Work Christmas Party and Other Thoughts

weather: partially sunny
outside: 8°C
mood: nostalgic

December 11, 1999:

I wore my wine red velvet Sweetheart dress with the new ballerina shoes that [Husband Guy]'s Mom got for me from Taiwan [Ed: ballerina tipped w/ 3½" heels]. I wanted to try the Heart Braid for the first time. The hairdresser did it completely wrong. kat_box rushed over and did it right for me. It's probably very rare that anyone asks for it, it's a matter of doing it often and knowing how my hair behaves.

The one kat_box did was beautiful. It was a hell of a lot better than the disaster the hairdresser made. kat_box said it's exactly like trying to draw a heart freehand. It's REALLY hard to match up the two sides.

*          *          *

I met Julie [boss' new girlfriend] for the first time. She has blonde hair, porcelain veniers, slight Brit accent and just the right height for Chris. Julie's cool, I hope it works out for them. [Ed: they broke up in January 2001 =P] I couldn't quite make out the dress she was wearing because she had a chiffon thing draped over her shoulders most of the time.

At one point, Julie said [Husband Guy] and I look like "new love". That caught us both off guard, but it was really nice to hear. It was very flattering. One of the things that [Husband Guy] and I both agree that we miss most about our relationship is the newness of it, 8 years ago. Julie's comment reminded us again that what we have is really really special.

*          *          *

In the days before the Christmas party, I kept thinking, "I hope Julie likes me". [Ed: Boss and I were good friends outside of work as well.] I had a nightmare that she hated me. In that nightmare, I felt like I had never been so viciously hated that much by anyone, ever.

But then, after the party, after I had had a chance to think about it a bit, it kinda dawned on me that because it was my dream, it was in my mind. So maybe it's just me that hates myself. I really don't know why I dislike myself so much.

I really don't consciously know that I've done anything to deserve this hate for myself.

I can love others; I am capable of being generous to others; I can help others without expecting retribution; I am capable of complimenting others; I am capable of being suppportive [Ed: apparently, I had a stuttering problem as well] to other people.

I have a very strong relationship. But I can also be independent. I have an excellent job. My career is taking off. I'm good at what I do. My boss is happy with what I do. The customers are happy with my work. My co-workers like me. I've earned everything I have today. Why do I still feel that I'm not good enough?

Physically, I guess I'm not that bad-looking (?)... I dunno. I know I'm capable of attracting men. I've been told that I am very attractive. Multiple times by men I both know and don't know. That guy at the mall who came up to me and just wanted to tell me that I was "the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." He didn't stalk me or harass me or anything, he just came to tell me that and then left. [Ed: for all the screws he had loose, that was very nice of him. =)] I also saw Chris looking me up and down at the Christmas party. I only ever wear t-shirt/jeans or blouse/pants to work, so I guess me looking like A Girl™ is something new =)

I'm not sure what I'm comparing myself to that makes me not measure up... =(

Gads... emo much? =P


What's in a Face?

weather: cloudy
outside: 7°C
mood: bleh
My comment in serennig's journal that I'll bonsai here:

So, yes, I tried the Match.com Physical Attraction test. Neither heads nor tails be, on that one. I don't have the visual squidge hormones.

I don't care about people's faces and I can't even really distinguish them until I've talked to someone for a while. People tend to become more attractive to me after I know them better. This was exactly the case with my Husband and countless others. In my IRC days, a lot of us traded pics when we first met. I kept a lot of the pics and when I looked back at them after a long stretch of time, without fail, the ones I talked to regularly jumped out at me*.

I have trouble recognizing celebrities in person exactly for that reason. I used to be a huge David Duchovny fan and I still didn't see him walk right past me.

And the Match.com folks also morphed and doctored a lot of those images which made it impossible. At one point, it was obvious they wanted me to pick between glasses vs. no glasses. "Gah, I don't care!" I says =)

* — As an interesting aside, I'm much better at remembering names than faces. I find that faces change, but names generally do not. =)

If I've had a solid 10-15 minute individual conversation with you, I won't likely ever forget your name in my life (unless I was never told to begin with). I've recognized people from pre-Kindergarten onwards on the street from time to time.

And I also have a better time remembering last names than first names. So, if you and I ever meet in person and I address you as "Mr. So&so" or "Ms Such&such", please realize that I'm not being smarmy or obsequious. I'd rather be a little too polite than ask you for your name again =)