The Bride of the First House (bride) wrote,
The Bride of the First House

The View From Here

weather: raining
outside: 10°C
mood: avoidant
I've been in a strange headspace these last few weeks. Chronologically, it's coincided with my Mother-in-Law being back in town. But she's definitely not the cause. Quite the opposite. Because she's been back, there's been a lot of progress and decisions made on a lot of things where a big black hole of uncertainty used to be.

I was in an emotional holding pattern. You can only do that for so long before you start to wear out, run out of fuel, etc. But decision-making, progress, bringing everything out and discussing it all, also take a lot out of you too.

My health had deteriorated ever so slowly since earlier this year. I stopped paying attention. I stopped logging all my food because I thought the Reverse Weight Watchers thing I was doing had become enough of a habit that I didn't have to do that anymore. At the end of September, I was down to 103lbs. I haven't been that thin since 2001. Fortunately, there aren't any systems on red alert; some systems are on yellow alert though. I'm still considered to be on the positive side of healthy, but I'm just a bit weaker all around.

I weighed myself this morning and I'm back up to 108lbs, which is just on the lower boundary of my "normal". My Dad commented last night that my face isn't looking quite as gaunt and hollow.

*          *          *

I'm having a lot of trouble with strangers in my personal space. Physical space. It's much less pronounced in my Journal space, although I'm seeing a little of that here too. I'm more closed off to new people than I used to be. I don't take the front line Chatty Cathy approach anymore with meeting a new person.

Everyone else has more or less some degree of control over who they want in their lives and who they don't. I generally have no choice as to the people around me. Being married to my husband means I'm connected to his family. Anyone that's close to the family, I have to have some kind of working relationship with, however minimal, whether I want to or not.

I can't just avoid people who hate me. There's no such thing as staying away from people sometimes, who insist on talking shit about me behind my back when I've been doing the adult thing and ignoring them. I don't get to debrief when a family friend I've known for years and years suddenly disappears. I don't always get to say goodbye. I don't always get the chance to meet someone on neutral territory and socialize before they're within 5 feet of my bedroom.

I've become too exhausted and too wary to deal with people.

In the end, it's my problem. I don't expect anyone to really understand me. I'm just talking to myself, laying out my thoughts, trying to organize it, see what to do and pep-talk myself into doing it.

I ran with the theory that it will be better if I open up to the new stranger instead of closing myself off. It scares me, but I need to do it.

Tags: reminiscence
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