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The View From Here

weather: raining
outside: 10°C
mood: avoidant
I've been in a strange headspace these last few weeks. Chronologically, it's coincided with my Mother-in-Law being back in town. But she's definitely not the cause. Quite the opposite. Because she's been back, there's been a lot of progress and decisions made on a lot of things where a big black hole of uncertainty used to be.

I was in an emotional holding pattern. You can only do that for so long before you start to wear out, run out of fuel, etc. But decision-making, progress, bringing everything out and discussing it all, also take a lot out of you too.

My health had deteriorated ever so slowly since earlier this year. I stopped paying attention. I stopped logging all my food because I thought the Reverse Weight Watchers thing I was doing had become enough of a habit that I didn't have to do that anymore. At the end of September, I was down to 103lbs. I haven't been that thin since 2001. Fortunately, there aren't any systems on red alert; some systems are on yellow alert though. I'm still considered to be on the positive side of healthy, but I'm just a bit weaker all around.

I weighed myself this morning and I'm back up to 108lbs, which is just on the lower boundary of my "normal". My Dad commented last night that my face isn't looking quite as gaunt and hollow.

*          *          *

I'm having a lot of trouble with strangers in my personal space. Physical space. It's much less pronounced in my Journal space, although I'm seeing a little of that here too. I'm more closed off to new people than I used to be. I don't take the front line Chatty Cathy approach anymore with meeting a new person.

Everyone else has more or less some degree of control over who they want in their lives and who they don't. I generally have no choice as to the people around me. Being married to my husband means I'm connected to his family. Anyone that's close to the family, I have to have some kind of working relationship with, however minimal, whether I want to or not.

I can't just avoid people who hate me. There's no such thing as staying away from people sometimes, who insist on talking shit about me behind my back when I've been doing the adult thing and ignoring them. I don't get to debrief when a family friend I've known for years and years suddenly disappears. I don't always get to say goodbye. I don't always get the chance to meet someone on neutral territory and socialize before they're within 5 feet of my bedroom.

I've become too exhausted and too wary to deal with people.

In the end, it's my problem. I don't expect anyone to really understand me. I'm just talking to myself, laying out my thoughts, trying to organize it, see what to do and pep-talk myself into doing it.

I ran with the theory that it will be better if I open up to the new stranger instead of closing myself off. It scares me, but I need to do it.


Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 01:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Sandra =)
fazia
Oct. 15th, 2003 02:16 pm (UTC)
Hon, is your weight loss because you don't eat at all when you're feeling stressed, or do you actually have to make an effort to eat more calories to keep from losing weight? If it's the latter I'm wondering if you might want to get your thyroid checked.

Folks who have trouble losing weight sometimes have the problem of hypothyroidism - the thyroid isn't producing enough. Added weight, which adds estrogen (which binds to the same things as thyroid) into the system can make hypothyroidism worse.

The flip side of that is hyPERthyroidism - the thyroid produces too much. One of the common signs of this is weight loss.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 02:55 pm (UTC)
I have to make the effort to eat more calories and specific foods. There's also a bit of loss of appetite when I'm stressed. Eating by the clock helps.

I'm constantly monitoring my TSH... well, not constantly, but it's always included with my routine hematology panel whenever I get one done. =) I always get a copy of my blood test results and check for borderline results and changes.

Just because your result comes back in the normal range, doesn't mean that's normal for you. Sometimes, you can't count on your doctor to really care about you to that level of detail. Especially, when you look much healthier than someone who is, say, having trouble getting blood through their heart chambers... =P

My TSH hasn't changed in the eons that I've been watching it. It sits smack dab in the centre of the normal range. That's just the way my body reacts to anything — drop it! drop it all! =P

I'm currently in need of more various kinds of seaweed and sea vegetation. MISO SOUP! YAY!! =)
astral
Oct. 15th, 2003 10:38 pm (UTC)
you know about the evils of soy? (http://www.westonaprice.org/soy/index.html)

don't really know what to think/do when i heard about it (just). besides being conscious of eating too much of anything...
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 11:12 pm (UTC)
Re: evils of soy

Soy phytoestrogens disrupt endocrine function and have the potential to cause infertility and to promote breast cancer in adult women.

Really? If that were true, wouldn't everyone in Japan be dead? All Japanese women would have breast cancer and no one in Japan would have any children at all. Don't they boast the lowest rates of cancer and highest life expectancy (even if it's only by a year or so)?

But, yes, too much of anything is bad =)
astral
Oct. 15th, 2003 11:29 pm (UTC)
hmm, i don't know..what do people in japan eat that have soy? besides miso soup, soy sauce, er tofu..

think it makes quite a lot of difference in amt of soy consumed if you
1. eat one tofu dish a week, 2. eat one tofu dish everyday , or 3. everything you eat is made of soy substitutes for meat products
i guess

Myth: Asians consume large amounts of soy foods.

Truth: Average consumption of soy foods in Japan and China is 10 grams (about 2 teaspoons) per day. Asians consume soy foods in small amounts as a condiment, and not as a replacement for animal foods.

http://www.westonaprice.org/myths_truths/myths_truths_soy.html
don't know how true this is..it would be true if i ate one tofu dish a week. but i used to eat probably 1 everyday, heh.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 11:34 pm (UTC)
hmm, i don't know..what do people in japan eat that have soy? besides miso soup, soy sauce, er tofu..

They serve edamame with beer at bars like we serve peanuts.

Hmm... I dunno either. But thanks for the warning though.
bellajellybean
Oct. 15th, 2003 02:52 pm (UTC)
You know, it always amazes me that someone who is so small and petite struggles to see her own beauty. *baffled* It's humbling to know that slim girls also have that problem, and that it's not just us fat chicks.

Still, it's possible you need to focus on your health. It's very dangerous to be so slim if you were to ever get ill, as I'm sure you're aware of. Good luck adding on some extra security weight. Be well.

And I'm sorry that you're having problems opening up and being concerned about family barging in on your life. You'll get through this, you're a very strong woman.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 02:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Julie =)
katie_ah
Oct. 15th, 2003 03:30 pm (UTC)
I haven't figured out which is more emotionally draining- constantly talking about my problems in hopes to figure something out, or not doing anything becuase whatever I end up doing is futile.

Have you considered doing some weight training? You'd lose the fat (if there is any :P) on your bod, and get some awesome muscle tone, which "weighs" a lot. Maybe eat more carbs, drink beer? I have no clue.

Good vibes to you.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 03:51 pm (UTC)
I haven't figured out which is more emotionally draining- constantly talking about my problems in hopes to figure something out, or not doing anything becuase whatever I end up doing is futile.

I'm not sure either. Writing things down to get it out of your system, to see it from a more concrete/objective angle and figuring out what to do is a good thing. But there also comes a point where it just makes you remember everything and in more vivid detail. That can lead to obsession and dwelling on things that you need to let go of.

Have you considered doing some weight training? You'd lose the fat (if there is any :P) on your bod, and get some awesome muscle tone, which "weighs" a lot. Maybe eat more carbs, drink beer? I have no clue.

I have a healthy chunk of body fat. I do have regular periods and all hormones are present and in phase. I'm thankful for that. I'd wanted to get measured for body fat to see where it is, but the only place that can really give you an unequivocal measure is a lab with a water tub apparatus. They're not going to allow just everyone to get measured willy-nilly, you have to have a good reason to do it. Pinching fat and measuring it with calipers can give you inconsistent results.

This is why I don't quite want to do weight training. It really shouldn't be a problem as long as I don't do too much, but I'm just a tad afraid of going overboard and losing too much fat. I do regular cardio exercise weekly and I'm certain that's helped — my respiratory and circulatory functions were two of the strongest systems I own right now (which is amazing for an Asthmatic City Girl™ breathing car farts all day long). =)

Thanks for the good thoughts and lotsa hugs and good vibes to you too =)
katie_ah
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:31 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I have that obsession about letting things go through my brain over, and over, and they just keep getting worse, because for some reason, (I think this is where the bipolar kicks in) I just can't let go, and no matter what, it's always "my" fault/problem/issue, and not anyone elses. :/

Hmm, regarding the weight thing, you just want to be in your middle range, right? Is that the only thing concerning you? I mean, if you're eating all your nutrients and calories and stuff, and you're getting exercise, you're doing everything you can to be healthy. I was just thinking, you are Chinese and I mean, y'all are just smaller, in general than Westerners. Genetics, maybe? I hate to sound stereotypical, but you know what I mean.

Thanks. I think we're all needing them. Fall is such an odd time of year.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:59 pm (UTC)
you just want to be in your middle range, right? Is that the only thing concerning you?

Yup, I should be about 110 (+/- ~2) lbs for my height. I've been as heavy as 115 and as thin as 98 (at >20 years old). I'd been doing relatively well in the last few years. I was so good about keeping it above 108 for the longest time.

For sure, weight is only one measurement of my health. It's one of the easiest to observe empirically, so it's a significant indicator. But it has to be coupled with immunology, digestive ability, all the other bodily functions as well as the harmony between them all. There's nothing about image or beauty here. My philosophy has always been to be healthy first and the rest will follow.
katie_ah
Oct. 15th, 2003 05:43 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry that you may have thought that I was questioning your self-esteem abou the way you look- in fact I was thinking the opposite. You've always just struck me as the type of person that knows that your worth isn't based on what you look like. (Mind sharing your secret?)

For what it's worth, I bet you'll be OK. I would say just try eating a little bit more "good" fat or something like that, not overdoing it and just gorging on 50 candy bars just because can.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 06:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry that you may have thought that I was questioning your self-esteem abou the way you look- in fact I was thinking the opposite.

Okay, this is starting to get a bit confuzzling =) I know what you mean. You know what I mean. We're cool. The end. =D

Yeah, good fat, whole foods, it comes down to paying attention. =)
mirai_sometimes
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:42 pm (UTC)
I just wanted to say that I feel for you when it comes to dealing with family. It's always damned if you do and damned if you don't. Some people can't be pleased and you know what, it's their loss. I know it still something that lingers in the back of your mind.

I wish you the best in gaining weight. Sounds like you know what you're doing.

D
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:47 pm (UTC)
It's always damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Thanks for the good thoughts =)
chenpion
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:48 pm (UTC)
G'luck with putting on weight.
Funny... you're the first (female) person I've "met" who WANTS to put on weight... and that includes all the fairly slim (Chinese) girls I know around here IRL.

Is 103 lbs really that bad? Or is it a Canadian thing? Quite a few of the people in these parts are around that weight.

Nice to see the return of the doll. Haven't seen it in a while.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 05:07 pm (UTC)
Re: G'luck with putting on weight.
My philosophy has always been to be healthy first and the rest will follow.

I can survive at 103. But for me, personally, I know that I should be around 110. It's up to each person to find out what's best for them.

I've always had the opposite problem as everyone else. Boobs are too big for an Asian girl and I can't find clothes that are small enough in the waist, but big enough in the chest; can't find clothes in North America because the sizes are too big; lose weight, lose appetite when I get stressed instead of the other way around; I've always had too much hair when everyone else is worrying about losing hair; etc.
chenpion
Oct. 15th, 2003 08:25 pm (UTC)
Weirdo... ;)
I sort of know what you mean, though. I'm not -tall-... just average, but I can -never- find shoes my size. Feet are too big. *grumble*

Guess you have to wear t-shirts a lot, huh? *scratches head* Don't wear a lot of clothes where the waist size matters, so...

Still. You're unique! That's a good thing. Have all the pluses that people are moaning about. Slim waist, big chest, don't eat much, lot of hair... man, you've got it all!
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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