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The View From Here

weather: raining
outside: 10°C
mood: avoidant
I've been in a strange headspace these last few weeks. Chronologically, it's coincided with my Mother-in-Law being back in town. But she's definitely not the cause. Quite the opposite. Because she's been back, there's been a lot of progress and decisions made on a lot of things where a big black hole of uncertainty used to be.

I was in an emotional holding pattern. You can only do that for so long before you start to wear out, run out of fuel, etc. But decision-making, progress, bringing everything out and discussing it all, also take a lot out of you too.

My health had deteriorated ever so slowly since earlier this year. I stopped paying attention. I stopped logging all my food because I thought the Reverse Weight Watchers thing I was doing had become enough of a habit that I didn't have to do that anymore. At the end of September, I was down to 103lbs. I haven't been that thin since 2001. Fortunately, there aren't any systems on red alert; some systems are on yellow alert though. I'm still considered to be on the positive side of healthy, but I'm just a bit weaker all around.

I weighed myself this morning and I'm back up to 108lbs, which is just on the lower boundary of my "normal". My Dad commented last night that my face isn't looking quite as gaunt and hollow.

*          *          *

I'm having a lot of trouble with strangers in my personal space. Physical space. It's much less pronounced in my Journal space, although I'm seeing a little of that here too. I'm more closed off to new people than I used to be. I don't take the front line Chatty Cathy approach anymore with meeting a new person.

Everyone else has more or less some degree of control over who they want in their lives and who they don't. I generally have no choice as to the people around me. Being married to my husband means I'm connected to his family. Anyone that's close to the family, I have to have some kind of working relationship with, however minimal, whether I want to or not.

I can't just avoid people who hate me. There's no such thing as staying away from people sometimes, who insist on talking shit about me behind my back when I've been doing the adult thing and ignoring them. I don't get to debrief when a family friend I've known for years and years suddenly disappears. I don't always get to say goodbye. I don't always get the chance to meet someone on neutral territory and socialize before they're within 5 feet of my bedroom.

I've become too exhausted and too wary to deal with people.

In the end, it's my problem. I don't expect anyone to really understand me. I'm just talking to myself, laying out my thoughts, trying to organize it, see what to do and pep-talk myself into doing it.

I ran with the theory that it will be better if I open up to the new stranger instead of closing myself off. It scares me, but I need to do it.


Comments

katie_ah
Oct. 15th, 2003 03:30 pm (UTC)
I haven't figured out which is more emotionally draining- constantly talking about my problems in hopes to figure something out, or not doing anything becuase whatever I end up doing is futile.

Have you considered doing some weight training? You'd lose the fat (if there is any :P) on your bod, and get some awesome muscle tone, which "weighs" a lot. Maybe eat more carbs, drink beer? I have no clue.

Good vibes to you.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 03:51 pm (UTC)
I haven't figured out which is more emotionally draining- constantly talking about my problems in hopes to figure something out, or not doing anything becuase whatever I end up doing is futile.

I'm not sure either. Writing things down to get it out of your system, to see it from a more concrete/objective angle and figuring out what to do is a good thing. But there also comes a point where it just makes you remember everything and in more vivid detail. That can lead to obsession and dwelling on things that you need to let go of.

Have you considered doing some weight training? You'd lose the fat (if there is any :P) on your bod, and get some awesome muscle tone, which "weighs" a lot. Maybe eat more carbs, drink beer? I have no clue.

I have a healthy chunk of body fat. I do have regular periods and all hormones are present and in phase. I'm thankful for that. I'd wanted to get measured for body fat to see where it is, but the only place that can really give you an unequivocal measure is a lab with a water tub apparatus. They're not going to allow just everyone to get measured willy-nilly, you have to have a good reason to do it. Pinching fat and measuring it with calipers can give you inconsistent results.

This is why I don't quite want to do weight training. It really shouldn't be a problem as long as I don't do too much, but I'm just a tad afraid of going overboard and losing too much fat. I do regular cardio exercise weekly and I'm certain that's helped — my respiratory and circulatory functions were two of the strongest systems I own right now (which is amazing for an Asthmatic City Girl™ breathing car farts all day long). =)

Thanks for the good thoughts and lotsa hugs and good vibes to you too =)
katie_ah
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:31 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I have that obsession about letting things go through my brain over, and over, and they just keep getting worse, because for some reason, (I think this is where the bipolar kicks in) I just can't let go, and no matter what, it's always "my" fault/problem/issue, and not anyone elses. :/

Hmm, regarding the weight thing, you just want to be in your middle range, right? Is that the only thing concerning you? I mean, if you're eating all your nutrients and calories and stuff, and you're getting exercise, you're doing everything you can to be healthy. I was just thinking, you are Chinese and I mean, y'all are just smaller, in general than Westerners. Genetics, maybe? I hate to sound stereotypical, but you know what I mean.

Thanks. I think we're all needing them. Fall is such an odd time of year.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 04:59 pm (UTC)
you just want to be in your middle range, right? Is that the only thing concerning you?

Yup, I should be about 110 (+/- ~2) lbs for my height. I've been as heavy as 115 and as thin as 98 (at >20 years old). I'd been doing relatively well in the last few years. I was so good about keeping it above 108 for the longest time.

For sure, weight is only one measurement of my health. It's one of the easiest to observe empirically, so it's a significant indicator. But it has to be coupled with immunology, digestive ability, all the other bodily functions as well as the harmony between them all. There's nothing about image or beauty here. My philosophy has always been to be healthy first and the rest will follow.
katie_ah
Oct. 15th, 2003 05:43 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry that you may have thought that I was questioning your self-esteem abou the way you look- in fact I was thinking the opposite. You've always just struck me as the type of person that knows that your worth isn't based on what you look like. (Mind sharing your secret?)

For what it's worth, I bet you'll be OK. I would say just try eating a little bit more "good" fat or something like that, not overdoing it and just gorging on 50 candy bars just because can.
bride
Oct. 15th, 2003 06:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry that you may have thought that I was questioning your self-esteem abou the way you look- in fact I was thinking the opposite.

Okay, this is starting to get a bit confuzzling =) I know what you mean. You know what I mean. We're cool. The end. =D

Yeah, good fat, whole foods, it comes down to paying attention. =)

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bride
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