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Nightmares

weather: rainy
outside: 7°C
mood: exhausted
I've been having nightmares on and off for the last year. Sometimes they're vivid, sometimes they're hazy and disappear when I try to remember them. It's, without a doubt, from the emotional holding pattern that I was talking about a while back. I know and completely understand that dreams are rarely literal. I know that death, dying and killing rarely ever mean exactly those things; they usually represent changing, learning, leaving certain parts of you behind, etc. Still. It's still stressful and scary.

The Nightmare

In this one, someone was trying to kill me. I had been "locked" in some room. Only my captor was really stupid because it wasn't locked. I wasn't tied down or anything. They thought they could keep me there just by making the room really cold. I was shivering and felt cold. There was a toilet in the corner with fuzzy carpet covers. First it was burgundy, then it turned light blue.

I "escaped" by just walking out. It was dark out, like at night with dark blue sky, stars and streetlights on. I ran to the parking lot where my car was. They saw me and started shooting at me. I ran across a grassy field hoping none of the bullets would get me. There's a building nearby and there's a familiarity with the building, but I can't place it. I thought something would hit me for sure, but every shot missed. As they shot again, I jumped and rolled on the grass to avoid the bullet. They shot again and I rolled the other way. Then I just got up, ran and screamed for help. Then, all of a sudden it turns bright and sunny while I'm still running and screaming.

The Analysis

A Cage — To dream that you are in a cage, denotes that you are experiencing some inhibitions and powerlessness in some areas of your life. You may feel restricted, confined and restrained in a current relationship or business deal. Somebody may be keeping a short leash on you where you are lacking the freedom to act independently.

It was a room, not a cage, but the feelings of being imprisoned and confined are similar to feeling "caged". And I very much feel all of the things I underlined. I'm trapped in a living arrangement (even though it's temporary... it fucking well better be temporary) and forever related to my husband's father, whom I completely abhor. I can't get out of it. The only way to get out is if I file for divorce. I feel like I have to undo half my life to fix another half. It's just so unfair, wrong, fucked, etc.

Cold — To dream that you are cold, indicates that you are experiencing a breakthrough in some area in your life. [Me: Not particularly.] Alternatively, you may be feeling isolated. You sense of coldness could reflect your feelings about that person. [Me: I don't know what person that's talking about.] The dream may also occur as a result of your immediate environment in which you are really feeling cold. [Me: Sure, I can buy that, I'm a blanket flipper in my sleep.]

I do feel isolation. I feel confined and imprisoned in my isolation. I have no real connection with anyone other than my husband and even that, I sometimes feel is fading. So, that really leaves me with no other friends.

But I've always been this way. I've never had many friends. I'm certainly still indifferent about whether or not I had more friends, but maybe my heart is telling me otherwise. Maybe I feel like I need a wider circle of friends now. Maybe I miss the camaraderie and human connection I felt when I had a group of regular friends, whether it was the student council group, the volunteer group or the ex-coworkers group.

Carpet — A carpet can symbolize luxury, comfort or richness.

Blue — Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

Burgundy — To see the color burgundy in your dream, symbolizes wealth, success, and prosperity. It is indicative of your potential power.

Toilet — To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless.

I'm also comfortable in my isolated state. I am safe, comfortable and provided for, both my physical and emotional needs, here in the prison of my own existence. I want to get out, but that would mean giving up whatever "luxuries" or positive aspects were associated with it.

So, if I'm reading this right: I hate it, I want to change it, I want to get the fuck out. But I can't change it either, because there are pros to staying the way it is. I hate people, I generally think they're stupid and I want nothing to do with them. But I'm also lonely by nature of being born as a social creature and needing interaction with my species.

Chase — To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity.

I refuse to have anything to do with people of that ilk. They've hurt me before and I won't trust them again.

Killing — To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions. Alternatively, it refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life.

This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

Killer — To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.

Murder — To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

Not sure... I vaguely feel this is true, but am I distancing myself from my husband? Some days when it seemed he didn't care that his father's mistress was encroaching, I wanted to file for divorce. Every time I think about when he's fought me to defend her and defend that fucking asswipe of a father, I want to divorce him.

I think about how I've supported him and stood by him when my parents gave him a hard time. How my family has supported him and pushed him towards higher education like their own son. He wasn't going to even apply to any post-secondary institutions. At the end of highschool, he was just going to mow lawns for a living like his father(!!!). WHAT?! Only teenagers mow neighbours' lawns for extra cash. That's no way to raise a family.

My parents downright told me to dump him, that he wasn't good enough for me. I fought them bitterly for him. We still have emotional scars from that fight. I feel like I did my best to bring both sides to a compromise: I made my parents get the hell off his back; I made him apply to UBC and do something, even something fruity just so that he can figure out what he was going to do. Thankfully enough, he did gather up the motivation and took a Computer Systems Technology diploma program. He now has the job of his dreams — he makes computer games.

I think of how he's either done nothing or turned on me when his family gives me shit. And he has the fucking nerve to turn on me when my money is paying for his asswipe father's living cost and his fucking whore's rent!! Guess what. Her laundry gets done at our house. Her things are scattered all over our house.

I really want to leave sometimes. I wonder if I'm just being a loser to stick around someone whose love for me is questionable at times.

Gun — To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation.

Bullets — To see a bullet or bullets in your dream, indicates anger and aggression directed at you or someone else. You need to be cautious on what you say and do. Your actions and words may easily be misinterpreted.

To dream of being hit by a bullet, suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times.

Night — To dream of night, signifies some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You may find that some issues you are facing are not all that clear and you need to put them to rest for awhile before a decision is made.

Day — To dream of a sunny day, symbolizes clarity and/or pleasantness. You are seeing things clearly.

*big heaving sigh* All of that is true. Right down to the daybreak as soon as I went for help. I do feel victimized. I don't have anywhere that I can call "home". I can't go home without my husband being there. I have nowhere to go, nowhere that I can feel comfortable and ... well, at home.

But it's not necessarily what I should do. Rather, it's what I feel.

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Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
diannadinoble
Dec. 16th, 2003 04:35 am (UTC)
Wow, that's pretty incredible. I like the dream interpretations that make you explore yourself, instead of the "chocolate chip cookie = sex" interpretations. This dream and it's interpretations certainly got you to explore!

That sounds like such a frustrating situation. You want to feel like your husband is on your side - your teammate, not the enemy, especially when you have treated him as a teammate and fought so hard to be with him and help him to find a path through life that he would feel fulfilled in. I can understand why you feel isolated and want to back off, the mistress thing is really hard, especially when she and her laundry are constantly making their presence known.I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here, but it sounds like your husband wants to act like more of a child because his father is acting like a teenager. It's so hard for the child to be the adult in a parent/child relationship. The problem is the child is also a husband and has to respect his wife's wishes in her home. THis time of year brings out some pretty tough emotions regarding family too.

bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 08:39 am (UTC)
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here

Not at all =) It's very true that W is being a lot more understanding about his father cheating on his mother. He's a lot more understanding to the fact that his father was a highschool dropout and never had a real job, so "he doesn't get it that you're such an achiever". But I just see red.
bellajellybean
Dec. 16th, 2003 04:54 am (UTC)
Wow, it sounds like you're having a rough time. *hugs* I'm not going to offer advice because I can't even imagine what your situation must be like to live. All I can do is hope that something happens and that something makes it better.
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 08:39 am (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you =)
kiad
Dec. 16th, 2003 04:57 am (UTC)
My dearest bride,

I don't know much about dreams, I've never had any success at interpreting mine- even in hindsight. However, I do find that nightmares give a safe context to explore unsatisfactory aspects of our lives. I hope you do get some resolution. I wish I could be more help- but in my experience, one usually already knows what they need to do. I hope you are just having a bad couple of nights, in contrast to an otherwise glorious life.

Please keep me informed, I do care.
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 08:42 am (UTC)
*hugs* I know... and I feel bad unloading on my friends. PJ asked me why I didn't just post Friends Only, and I said that it wouldn't be fair that my friends get burdened with all the negativity that they really can't help me with.
aliasa
Dec. 16th, 2003 06:25 am (UTC)
Nightmares can have such lingering effects . . .

I admire how you are in tune and tackle analyzing your dreams -- I used to be so confused/traumatized by mine that I just took them literally -- knowing that how I felt was entirely different.

I'm also comfortable in my isolated state. I am safe, comfortable and provided for, both my physical and emotional needs, here in the prison of my own existence. I want to get out, but that would mean giving up whatever "luxuries" or positive aspects were associated with it.

Oh how I hear you here ... an isolated state is such a cocoon. Although a safe place, it can also limit emotional growth because everything remains status quo. It's a frightening place to be, wanting to change but fearful of what that may bring. In the long term, I don't see it as a matter of giving up luxuries but a compromise: having the best of both worlds. The luxuries of knowing and experiencing what that isolation of one's own existence, the independence can be like (a lot of people in this world just can't manage when they are left alone). But also the enriching comfort of sharing and relating to others.

The problem is finding those people who you will eventually learn to trust and be your friends, your team of network support.

Regarding your husband, as someone commented, it's difficult to make a stance when your own parent are behaving so rashly. . .

Oh look at me and my leaps and bounds . . . not being in your shoes and not wanting to step over boundaries, I am sorry I can't be more helpful . . . but I am here to listen.

*hugs*
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 08:53 am (UTC)
Thanks *hugs*

The luxuries of knowing and experiencing what that isolation of one's own existence, the independence can be like (a lot of people in this world just can't manage when they are left alone).

Independent, self-sufficient and strong... strong enough to be ignored.

That's why I want to get back into volunteering... to meet new people, learn/do new things and keep my mind off being emotionally homeless. =}
rcantilles
Dec. 16th, 2003 06:50 am (UTC)
whew that was quite the entry. I'm sorry you are feeling down. It is frustrating when one can't choose family the way one chooses friends.

Your second to last paragraph really struck a chord in me. No where to feel at home. I was in a very bad roommate situation once where I felt like that. I didn't feel comfortable in my own room, studied elsewhere, and even slept elsewhere if I could help it. I had expressed my frustration to my roommate, but not nearly enough, cause she kept doing all the things that made me uncomfortable.

True, that situation is much simpler than yours. I had the luxury of being able to move out after awhile and washing my hands of her rather easily.

Would more communication on the subject help, all the same?
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 11:18 am (UTC)
Thanks for listening =)

Would more communication on the subject help, all the same?

See, this is what I'm not sure of either... does talking about it help? or does it just make me remember everything in such vivid detail that I end up dwelling on it?
rcantilles
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:27 pm (UTC)
does talking about it help? or does it just make me remember everything in such vivid detail that I end up dwelling on it?

well.... have you expressed all aspects of your frustration, and why you feel this way to your husband? If you've already told him what you've just told us, then perhaps he needs to hear it in a different way?

As for dwelling on a tender subject, it would seem to me that one dwells on bad things because they are unresolved in some manner... in which case I suppose you're bound to dwell on the subject for now, whether you talk to him about it or not. And you're more likely to resolve the issue if you talk about it with him, right?
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:32 pm (UTC)
Oh, I thought you meant "communication" as in, with others (ie. a counsellor/therapist or someone).

Yes, he and I have been talking. It's been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. So, in general, we're moving forward. It's just that the 2 steps back can really hurt, that's all.
jenny_rambles
Dec. 16th, 2003 07:05 am (UTC)
I'm so bad as interpreting dreams...when I read the first part (where you were cold) I was thinking "Hmmm....she needs more blankets at night" since thats where I think all my cold dreams come from.
I can somewhat relate to what you're going through. I had an exboyfriend that I was with for about 5 years. For about a year and a half of that we lived with his parents. In a house that he bought with a mortgage we paid for. She would - some days, scream what a bitch I was, how much of a whore, how she was convinced I was screwing my boss (nevermind that the hours I was working at the office was paying for her to stay home and watch her great-grandkids). Obvioiusly the paperwork I was bringing home was just a cover.

He wouldn't stand up for me...would just let her shout and scream while I was in the other room. Then, days later, she was nice to me again.
She expects me to still call - even though he and I are (obviously) long since over.

Once that living situation was resolved I felt much better - I was able to sleep at night and didn't feel so trapped. Obviously my story doesn't have a happy ending for that relationship - once we moved out I realized that I didn't want to have anything to do with him either - partly becuase what kind of man lets someone do that to the woman he "loves"?
But I also realize that a lot of time guys just don't get it. They don't realize what their actions can do....and I doubt your husband knows thats how you feel. Becuase most of the time...well, they're damn dense.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I don't have the "right" answer - else I'd give it to you. Only you know in the end.
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 09:59 am (UTC)
"Hmmm....she needs more blankets at night"

Heh, that could be part of it too. Although I'm not sure how much it would help because I can kick all the blankets off too =}

partly becuase what kind of man lets someone do that to the woman he "loves"?

That's exactly it. Part of me says, well, it's his father. No matter what a piece of work he is, he's still family to W and I understand that. But is his mother any less "family" then? Am _I_ any less "family" then? What does that say about how important his mother is? What does that say about how he treats _our_ marriage?
astral
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:22 pm (UTC)
What does that say about how he treats _our_ marriage?
wow this must be so hard for you.

where is your MIL? isnt she there?

hope things work out well for you. :)
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:24 pm (UTC)
She has a business venture in Taiwan right now.
jenny_rambles
Dec. 18th, 2003 05:58 pm (UTC)
I don't have a clue how I would feel in that situation. I know theres this whole passage in the bible about how you leave your parents to be with your wife - but I don't really view that as much more than a storybook in the first place - and besides, that book also instructs you to walk behind your man!
My sister is going through this big thing right now with her fiance - who called her several choice names (the c**t one amongst them) becuase she wanted him to finally pay them the rent they agreed on (hes living in their house - and they're struggling at 21 and 23 to pay the mortgage).
Theres no easy answer and I wish you the best. If you want to vent feel free! :)
bride
Dec. 18th, 2003 06:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks =)
(Deleted comment)
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 10:02 am (UTC)
*HUGS* Thanks for the encouraging words =) I know it's hard to not know what to say or do, but I really appreciate the hugs and support =)
xinit
Dec. 16th, 2003 09:59 am (UTC)
I wonder if part of you thinks that because HG defends his father's mistress, that maybe there's a job for you as "first wife" in the future as well. That you'd be trapped in a loveless marriage where you were replaced with a loud mouthed new wife...

The toilet signifying the act of getting rid of useless things, and the carpet changing from burgundy to blue - perhaps there's something in there about exchanging wealth, success and power for loyalty. Leave useless HG, exchanging loyalty for success?

This could all refer to your job as well, couldn't it? Leave for wealth or stay for loyalty?

bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 10:23 am (UTC)
I wonder if part of you thinks that because HG defends his father's mistress, that maybe there's a job for you as "first wife" in the future as well. That you'd be trapped in a loveless marriage where you were replaced with a loud mouthed new wife...

My insecurity is an issue for sure. And I'm not exactly sure how to overcome that. He is trying and doing things to help, I just have this odd debilitating fear and sometimes I can't let go of the thought that he had no problems with the mistress initially.

This could all refer to your job as well, couldn't it? Leave for wealth or stay for loyalty?

It didn't strike me that this was about my job though, because wealth vs. loyalty is not an inversely dependent relation with me. I don't think I can do much better than this for the time being and I'm reasonably happy with what I'm doing. But, it's a valid point though.
(Deleted comment)
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 10:32 am (UTC)
Thanks =)

We've been working through a lot of things and we've had a lot of heart-to-hearts. It's 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. We net going forward, but the 2 steps back really hurt sometimes =P
(Deleted comment)
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 12:41 pm (UTC)
*hugs* S'okay, I haven't said anything about this in a long time. =)
(Deleted comment)
bride
Dec. 16th, 2003 01:09 pm (UTC)
I always go to http://www.dreammoods.com

They're the best organized (that I've seen), they have a decent amount of info and they provide alternative interpretations. I think that's important because everybody's subconscious works differently and symbolism can vary from cultures/regions/whatever.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - bride - Dec. 16th, 2003 03:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
katie_ah
Dec. 17th, 2003 05:03 pm (UTC)
Ai-ya. :(

I don't have much to say other than that. I'm sorry it's happening. I wish I had more to say, but there's so much there. I hope everything works out though, I know you'll find something. *nods* *big hugs*
bride
Dec. 17th, 2003 07:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you =) *hugs*
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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