The Bride of the First House (bride) wrote,
The Bride of the First House


weather: rainy
outside: 7°C
mood: exhausted
I've been having nightmares on and off for the last year. Sometimes they're vivid, sometimes they're hazy and disappear when I try to remember them. It's, without a doubt, from the emotional holding pattern that I was talking about a while back. I know and completely understand that dreams are rarely literal. I know that death, dying and killing rarely ever mean exactly those things; they usually represent changing, learning, leaving certain parts of you behind, etc. Still. It's still stressful and scary.

The Nightmare

In this one, someone was trying to kill me. I had been "locked" in some room. Only my captor was really stupid because it wasn't locked. I wasn't tied down or anything. They thought they could keep me there just by making the room really cold. I was shivering and felt cold. There was a toilet in the corner with fuzzy carpet covers. First it was burgundy, then it turned light blue.

I "escaped" by just walking out. It was dark out, like at night with dark blue sky, stars and streetlights on. I ran to the parking lot where my car was. They saw me and started shooting at me. I ran across a grassy field hoping none of the bullets would get me. There's a building nearby and there's a familiarity with the building, but I can't place it. I thought something would hit me for sure, but every shot missed. As they shot again, I jumped and rolled on the grass to avoid the bullet. They shot again and I rolled the other way. Then I just got up, ran and screamed for help. Then, all of a sudden it turns bright and sunny while I'm still running and screaming.

The Analysis

A Cage — To dream that you are in a cage, denotes that you are experiencing some inhibitions and powerlessness in some areas of your life. You may feel restricted, confined and restrained in a current relationship or business deal. Somebody may be keeping a short leash on you where you are lacking the freedom to act independently.

It was a room, not a cage, but the feelings of being imprisoned and confined are similar to feeling "caged". And I very much feel all of the things I underlined. I'm trapped in a living arrangement (even though it's temporary... it fucking well better be temporary) and forever related to my husband's father, whom I completely abhor. I can't get out of it. The only way to get out is if I file for divorce. I feel like I have to undo half my life to fix another half. It's just so unfair, wrong, fucked, etc.

Cold — To dream that you are cold, indicates that you are experiencing a breakthrough in some area in your life. [Me: Not particularly.] Alternatively, you may be feeling isolated. You sense of coldness could reflect your feelings about that person. [Me: I don't know what person that's talking about.] The dream may also occur as a result of your immediate environment in which you are really feeling cold. [Me: Sure, I can buy that, I'm a blanket flipper in my sleep.]

I do feel isolation. I feel confined and imprisoned in my isolation. I have no real connection with anyone other than my husband and even that, I sometimes feel is fading. So, that really leaves me with no other friends.

But I've always been this way. I've never had many friends. I'm certainly still indifferent about whether or not I had more friends, but maybe my heart is telling me otherwise. Maybe I feel like I need a wider circle of friends now. Maybe I miss the camaraderie and human connection I felt when I had a group of regular friends, whether it was the student council group, the volunteer group or the ex-coworkers group.

Carpet — A carpet can symbolize luxury, comfort or richness.

Blue — Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

Burgundy — To see the color burgundy in your dream, symbolizes wealth, success, and prosperity. It is indicative of your potential power.

Toilet — To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless.

I'm also comfortable in my isolated state. I am safe, comfortable and provided for, both my physical and emotional needs, here in the prison of my own existence. I want to get out, but that would mean giving up whatever "luxuries" or positive aspects were associated with it.

So, if I'm reading this right: I hate it, I want to change it, I want to get the fuck out. But I can't change it either, because there are pros to staying the way it is. I hate people, I generally think they're stupid and I want nothing to do with them. But I'm also lonely by nature of being born as a social creature and needing interaction with my species.

Chase — To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity.

I refuse to have anything to do with people of that ilk. They've hurt me before and I won't trust them again.

Killing — To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions. Alternatively, it refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life.

This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

Killer — To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.

Murder — To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

Not sure... I vaguely feel this is true, but am I distancing myself from my husband? Some days when it seemed he didn't care that his father's mistress was encroaching, I wanted to file for divorce. Every time I think about when he's fought me to defend her and defend that fucking asswipe of a father, I want to divorce him.

I think about how I've supported him and stood by him when my parents gave him a hard time. How my family has supported him and pushed him towards higher education like their own son. He wasn't going to even apply to any post-secondary institutions. At the end of highschool, he was just going to mow lawns for a living like his father(!!!). WHAT?! Only teenagers mow neighbours' lawns for extra cash. That's no way to raise a family.

My parents downright told me to dump him, that he wasn't good enough for me. I fought them bitterly for him. We still have emotional scars from that fight. I feel like I did my best to bring both sides to a compromise: I made my parents get the hell off his back; I made him apply to UBC and do something, even something fruity just so that he can figure out what he was going to do. Thankfully enough, he did gather up the motivation and took a Computer Systems Technology diploma program. He now has the job of his dreams — he makes computer games.

I think of how he's either done nothing or turned on me when his family gives me shit. And he has the fucking nerve to turn on me when my money is paying for his asswipe father's living cost and his fucking whore's rent!! Guess what. Her laundry gets done at our house. Her things are scattered all over our house.

I really want to leave sometimes. I wonder if I'm just being a loser to stick around someone whose love for me is questionable at times.

Gun — To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation.

Bullets — To see a bullet or bullets in your dream, indicates anger and aggression directed at you or someone else. You need to be cautious on what you say and do. Your actions and words may easily be misinterpreted.

To dream of being hit by a bullet, suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times.

Night — To dream of night, signifies some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You may find that some issues you are facing are not all that clear and you need to put them to rest for awhile before a decision is made.

Day — To dream of a sunny day, symbolizes clarity and/or pleasantness. You are seeing things clearly.

*big heaving sigh* All of that is true. Right down to the daybreak as soon as I went for help. I do feel victimized. I don't have anywhere that I can call "home". I can't go home without my husband being there. I have nowhere to go, nowhere that I can feel comfortable and ... well, at home.

But it's not necessarily what I should do. Rather, it's what I feel.

Tags: dreamscape

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