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weather: partially sunny
outside: 8°C
mood: nostalgic

December 11, 1999:

I wore my wine red velvet Sweetheart dress with the new ballerina shoes that [Husband Guy]'s Mom got for me from Taiwan [Ed: ballerina tipped w/ 3½" heels]. I wanted to try the Heart Braid for the first time. The hairdresser did it completely wrong. kat_box rushed over and did it right for me. It's probably very rare that anyone asks for it, it's a matter of doing it often and knowing how my hair behaves.

The one kat_box did was beautiful. It was a hell of a lot better than the disaster the hairdresser made. kat_box said it's exactly like trying to draw a heart freehand. It's REALLY hard to match up the two sides.

*          *          *

I met Julie [boss' new girlfriend] for the first time. She has blonde hair, porcelain veniers, slight Brit accent and just the right height for Chris. Julie's cool, I hope it works out for them. [Ed: they broke up in January 2001 =P] I couldn't quite make out the dress she was wearing because she had a chiffon thing draped over her shoulders most of the time.

At one point, Julie said [Husband Guy] and I look like "new love". That caught us both off guard, but it was really nice to hear. It was very flattering. One of the things that [Husband Guy] and I both agree that we miss most about our relationship is the newness of it, 8 years ago. Julie's comment reminded us again that what we have is really really special.

*          *          *

In the days before the Christmas party, I kept thinking, "I hope Julie likes me". [Ed: Boss and I were good friends outside of work as well.] I had a nightmare that she hated me. In that nightmare, I felt like I had never been so viciously hated that much by anyone, ever.

But then, after the party, after I had had a chance to think about it a bit, it kinda dawned on me that because it was my dream, it was in my mind. So maybe it's just me that hates myself. I really don't know why I dislike myself so much.

I really don't consciously know that I've done anything to deserve this hate for myself.

I can love others; I am capable of being generous to others; I can help others without expecting retribution; I am capable of complimenting others; I am capable of being suppportive [Ed: apparently, I had a stuttering problem as well] to other people.

I have a very strong relationship. But I can also be independent. I have an excellent job. My career is taking off. I'm good at what I do. My boss is happy with what I do. The customers are happy with my work. My co-workers like me. I've earned everything I have today. Why do I still feel that I'm not good enough?

Physically, I guess I'm not that bad-looking (?)... I dunno. I know I'm capable of attracting men. I've been told that I am very attractive. Multiple times by men I both know and don't know. That guy at the mall who came up to me and just wanted to tell me that I was "the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." He didn't stalk me or harass me or anything, he just came to tell me that and then left. [Ed: for all the screws he had loose, that was very nice of him. =)] I also saw Chris looking me up and down at the Christmas party. I only ever wear t-shirt/jeans or blouse/pants to work, so I guess me looking like A Girl™ is something new =)

I'm not sure what I'm comparing myself to that makes me not measure up... =(

Gads... emo much? =P


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 22nd, 2004 01:48 pm (UTC)
heh, i know the exact feeling.

how do you feel abotu yourself 4 years later? are you any better at liking yourself?
Feb. 22nd, 2004 02:32 pm (UTC)
how do you feel abotu yourself 4 years later? are you any better at liking yourself?

I don't think I like myself any more or less, but I don't care about it as much. There's more an acceptance of the way things are and being at peace with it now.

I'm not sure if marriage has anything to do with that because I had never intended to find anyone else anyway.
Feb. 22nd, 2004 09:04 pm (UTC)
Maybe it's a Chinese thing?
I used to think it was just because our parents tend to tell us that we're not good enough, that they always compare their children to the neighbors/relatives/whoever...

... but if I remember correctly, you had a very loving mother (not sure if I read about your father), so I don't know if that applies. Maybe it's just culture?
Feb. 22nd, 2004 09:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Maybe it's a Chinese thing?
That could very well be. My parents were very critical of me when I was growing up.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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