The Bride of the First House (bride) wrote,
The Bride of the First House

Flashback: Ex-Work Christmas Party and Other Thoughts

weather: partially sunny
outside: 8°C
mood: nostalgic

December 11, 1999:

I wore my wine red velvet Sweetheart dress with the new ballerina shoes that [Husband Guy]'s Mom got for me from Taiwan [Ed: ballerina tipped w/ 3½" heels]. I wanted to try the Heart Braid for the first time. The hairdresser did it completely wrong. kat_box rushed over and did it right for me. It's probably very rare that anyone asks for it, it's a matter of doing it often and knowing how my hair behaves.

The one kat_box did was beautiful. It was a hell of a lot better than the disaster the hairdresser made. kat_box said it's exactly like trying to draw a heart freehand. It's REALLY hard to match up the two sides.

*          *          *

I met Julie [boss' new girlfriend] for the first time. She has blonde hair, porcelain veniers, slight Brit accent and just the right height for Chris. Julie's cool, I hope it works out for them. [Ed: they broke up in January 2001 =P] I couldn't quite make out the dress she was wearing because she had a chiffon thing draped over her shoulders most of the time.

At one point, Julie said [Husband Guy] and I look like "new love". That caught us both off guard, but it was really nice to hear. It was very flattering. One of the things that [Husband Guy] and I both agree that we miss most about our relationship is the newness of it, 8 years ago. Julie's comment reminded us again that what we have is really really special.

*          *          *

In the days before the Christmas party, I kept thinking, "I hope Julie likes me". [Ed: Boss and I were good friends outside of work as well.] I had a nightmare that she hated me. In that nightmare, I felt like I had never been so viciously hated that much by anyone, ever.

But then, after the party, after I had had a chance to think about it a bit, it kinda dawned on me that because it was my dream, it was in my mind. So maybe it's just me that hates myself. I really don't know why I dislike myself so much.

I really don't consciously know that I've done anything to deserve this hate for myself.

I can love others; I am capable of being generous to others; I can help others without expecting retribution; I am capable of complimenting others; I am capable of being suppportive [Ed: apparently, I had a stuttering problem as well] to other people.

I have a very strong relationship. But I can also be independent. I have an excellent job. My career is taking off. I'm good at what I do. My boss is happy with what I do. The customers are happy with my work. My co-workers like me. I've earned everything I have today. Why do I still feel that I'm not good enough?

Physically, I guess I'm not that bad-looking (?)... I dunno. I know I'm capable of attracting men. I've been told that I am very attractive. Multiple times by men I both know and don't know. That guy at the mall who came up to me and just wanted to tell me that I was "the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." He didn't stalk me or harass me or anything, he just came to tell me that and then left. [Ed: for all the screws he had loose, that was very nice of him. =)] I also saw Chris looking me up and down at the Christmas party. I only ever wear t-shirt/jeans or blouse/pants to work, so I guess me looking like A Girl™ is something new =)

I'm not sure what I'm comparing myself to that makes me not measure up... =(

Gads... emo much? =P

Tags: reminiscence

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