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weather: sunny
outside: 13°C
mood: melancholy
I know that I will eventually reach an acceptance and peace with certain difficult situations. I usually do.

But it's the listless, hollow and heavy feeling prior that is the hard part. I feel like I should be crying, but I can't. I just have to wait it out. It'll hurt. It'll hurt a lot before it heals... if ever. It could be in my face for a long long time.

It's my own fault. I made my choices. These are my consequences.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

[More cryptic spew, compiled from a few different IM conversations]

I can be distracted and okay for months, even years. But when things quiet down, my mind will go back to the old issues. I happen to be conditioned to remember things. I tend to hang on and dwell on stuff longer than I should. Especially when resolution and closure are impossible, they'll probably keep coming up once in a while to stick me.

It's no use even describing any of my problems to anyone. The only thing I'll hear is "oh, that sucks". There's nothing anyone can do and nothing anyone can say that I don't already know or haven't already heard. I don't even want anyone else to have the extra burden of hearing it.

Therapy just adds another layer of unwanted guilt and stupidity. At $100/session, I'm basically asking someone else to tell me the time with my own watch, when I already know how to tell [analog] time. It's just not dire enough to warrant counselling.

Part of my turmoil is I've learned that my heart has been wrong. This brews a lot of conflicted feelings in a society that puts so much emphasis on "following your heart" and "do what feels right". I don't really know if it's because I'm so out of sync with society's tenets of existence or if it's just naturally very distressing to have your brain completely disagree with your gut.

If I really followed my heart, I'd end up doing retarded things that only fucked up characters from fucked up soap operas do.

I'm afraid of talking to anyone about my issues anymore. I'm afraid of opening my big fat yap and saying too much.

I'll live.

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Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
bellajellybean
Apr. 24th, 2004 05:43 pm (UTC)
*hugs* If you change your mind, and do want to talk about it, you know where to find me.
bride
Apr. 24th, 2004 05:48 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Julie =)
rcantilles
Apr. 24th, 2004 06:51 pm (UTC)
*winces*

I'm sorry.
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 09:53 am (UTC)
Thanks =)
diannadinoble
Apr. 24th, 2004 08:11 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you hit a fork in the road. You have a lot of friends here who are happy to support you in any way we can. Hang in there.

*hugs*
D
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 09:53 am (UTC)
Thanks =)
tinyflamingo
Apr. 24th, 2004 08:56 pm (UTC)
Sending you good wishes and thoughts. *hugs*
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 09:53 am (UTC)
Thank you =)
(Deleted comment)
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 09:53 am (UTC)
Thanks =)
vanyavende
Apr. 24th, 2004 11:33 pm (UTC)
Does my icon at least make you smile? I hope so because I don't like seeing you upset :( You know the saying, when life throws you lemons, grab a bat and whack right back at the cause. That's what I know will happen to the sadness you feel now...

*hugs hugs hugs hugs* If you need *anything*, I'm right here, you know my email. *hugs hugs*
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 09:52 am (UTC)
Heehee, it does =)

Thanks, sweetie =)
kat_box
Apr. 25th, 2004 11:45 am (UTC)
And you know my phone number and address. Hell, you have a key to my apartment. Any time you need someone to talk to who will listen without judgement, you know where I am.

**hugs**
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 03:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks =)
jenny_rambles
Apr. 25th, 2004 12:43 pm (UTC)
With whatever it is - I hope you find the decision that will bring you the most happiness in the end. If you ever wish to vent I'm here.
bride
Apr. 25th, 2004 03:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you =)
(Deleted comment)
bride
Apr. 26th, 2004 08:11 am (UTC)
Thanks San =}
(Deleted comment)
bride
Apr. 26th, 2004 08:42 am (UTC)
Thanks =)
fazia
Apr. 26th, 2004 11:31 am (UTC)
I don't even want anyone else to have the extra burden of hearing it.

Just keep in mind that sometimes hearing someonelse's troubles is not a burden for the listener because they can relate to the troubles - it can make people feel validated and needed even as they get a chance to give and connect to another person. In that case, it's not a burden at all, no matter what the trouble is.


So if you have people who are willing to listen, don't hesitate only because you think it might be a burden for them. You'd be surprised. Folks like you - who don't often share their troubles with others - are never, ever a burden for the empathetic folks who are willing to be there for you. (We know the difference bewteen the emotional vampires, and you're not one of 'em.)

bride
Apr. 26th, 2004 11:43 am (UTC)
Thanks Faz =) I've been through the same general things before and there's reallyreally nothing else that can be said, other than "let it go".

*HUGS* Thanks for the support =)
(Deleted comment)
bride
Apr. 26th, 2004 11:52 am (UTC)
I have tried writing it all out privately. But the problem there is that I remember it even more vividly and for even longer than before because you actively think about what you write.

I guess I'm having trouble with the balance between remembering and forgetting, keeping it in versus getting it out.

I do hope that you find your own way to deal with whatever it is.

Thank you =)
chenpion
Apr. 29th, 2004 07:15 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I've been wondering what happened to you.
Things were busy when you posted this (hence the lack of comments lately), but I hope you're OK.

Things always seem the worse when you're down, but... well. It'll look up. We can hope, right?
bride
Apr. 29th, 2004 07:19 pm (UTC)
Re: *hugs* I've been wondering what happened to you.
Oh, hey, thanks for asking =)

I'm just swamped with work right now... I was assigned to FOUR projects, all of which have some kind of deadline this Friday. =P
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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