Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

weather: sunny
outside: 13°C
mood: melancholy
I know that I will eventually reach an acceptance and peace with certain difficult situations. I usually do.

But it's the listless, hollow and heavy feeling prior that is the hard part. I feel like I should be crying, but I can't. I just have to wait it out. It'll hurt. It'll hurt a lot before it heals... if ever. It could be in my face for a long long time.

It's my own fault. I made my choices. These are my consequences.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

[More cryptic spew, compiled from a few different IM conversations]

I can be distracted and okay for months, even years. But when things quiet down, my mind will go back to the old issues. I happen to be conditioned to remember things. I tend to hang on and dwell on stuff longer than I should. Especially when resolution and closure are impossible, they'll probably keep coming up once in a while to stick me.

It's no use even describing any of my problems to anyone. The only thing I'll hear is "oh, that sucks". There's nothing anyone can do and nothing anyone can say that I don't already know or haven't already heard. I don't even want anyone else to have the extra burden of hearing it.

Therapy just adds another layer of unwanted guilt and stupidity. At $100/session, I'm basically asking someone else to tell me the time with my own watch, when I already know how to tell [analog] time. It's just not dire enough to warrant counselling.

Part of my turmoil is I've learned that my heart has been wrong. This brews a lot of conflicted feelings in a society that puts so much emphasis on "following your heart" and "do what feels right". I don't really know if it's because I'm so out of sync with society's tenets of existence or if it's just naturally very distressing to have your brain completely disagree with your gut.

If I really followed my heart, I'd end up doing retarded things that only fucked up characters from fucked up soap operas do.

I'm afraid of talking to anyone about my issues anymore. I'm afraid of opening my big fat yap and saying too much.

I'll live.



Apr. 26th, 2004 11:31 am (UTC)
I don't even want anyone else to have the extra burden of hearing it.

Just keep in mind that sometimes hearing someonelse's troubles is not a burden for the listener because they can relate to the troubles - it can make people feel validated and needed even as they get a chance to give and connect to another person. In that case, it's not a burden at all, no matter what the trouble is.

So if you have people who are willing to listen, don't hesitate only because you think it might be a burden for them. You'd be surprised. Folks like you - who don't often share their troubles with others - are never, ever a burden for the empathetic folks who are willing to be there for you. (We know the difference bewteen the emotional vampires, and you're not one of 'em.)

Apr. 26th, 2004 11:43 am (UTC)
Thanks Faz =) I've been through the same general things before and there's reallyreally nothing else that can be said, other than "let it go".

*HUGS* Thanks for the support =)


The Bride of the First House

Latest Month

March 2015