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weather: sunny
outside: 13°C
mood: melancholy
I know that I will eventually reach an acceptance and peace with certain difficult situations. I usually do.

But it's the listless, hollow and heavy feeling prior that is the hard part. I feel like I should be crying, but I can't. I just have to wait it out. It'll hurt. It'll hurt a lot before it heals... if ever. It could be in my face for a long long time.

It's my own fault. I made my choices. These are my consequences.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

[More cryptic spew, compiled from a few different IM conversations]

I can be distracted and okay for months, even years. But when things quiet down, my mind will go back to the old issues. I happen to be conditioned to remember things. I tend to hang on and dwell on stuff longer than I should. Especially when resolution and closure are impossible, they'll probably keep coming up once in a while to stick me.

It's no use even describing any of my problems to anyone. The only thing I'll hear is "oh, that sucks". There's nothing anyone can do and nothing anyone can say that I don't already know or haven't already heard. I don't even want anyone else to have the extra burden of hearing it.

Therapy just adds another layer of unwanted guilt and stupidity. At $100/session, I'm basically asking someone else to tell me the time with my own watch, when I already know how to tell [analog] time. It's just not dire enough to warrant counselling.

Part of my turmoil is I've learned that my heart has been wrong. This brews a lot of conflicted feelings in a society that puts so much emphasis on "following your heart" and "do what feels right". I don't really know if it's because I'm so out of sync with society's tenets of existence or if it's just naturally very distressing to have your brain completely disagree with your gut.

If I really followed my heart, I'd end up doing retarded things that only fucked up characters from fucked up soap operas do.

I'm afraid of talking to anyone about my issues anymore. I'm afraid of opening my big fat yap and saying too much.

I'll live.

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Comments

(Deleted comment)
bride
Apr. 26th, 2004 11:52 am (UTC)
I have tried writing it all out privately. But the problem there is that I remember it even more vividly and for even longer than before because you actively think about what you write.

I guess I'm having trouble with the balance between remembering and forgetting, keeping it in versus getting it out.

I do hope that you find your own way to deal with whatever it is.

Thank you =)

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eLouai
bride
The Bride of the First House

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