This one began with a phone conversation (in English) with a man. The Real Me has no idea what's going on or who this guy is. It's not Husband Guy. But I start out with the feeling that he's a friend:
Me: "So, I'll see you at the park then."
Him: "Yeah. ... and Jade, it'll be good to see you again."
Me: *smile* "Oh, could you bring something for me?"
Him: "Sure... what?"
Me: "Can you bring a little box of Lego? You know, those little $5.00 sets that come in the little boxes?"
He pauses, clearly confused... and at this point, the Real Me is confused as well. The Dream Me seems to know what she's talking about though.
Him: "Why on earth do you want a little Lego set?"
Me: "Just... humour me... please?"
I can't really describe his voice, I just get whatever he says relayed directly into my head. I don't think I ever see his face, even. I'm not sure what exactly he called me when he said "it'll be good to see you again"... but I'm assuming he called me by my name.
The next thing I know, I'm on a plane. I'm in the middle seat in the row of three. No one is on my right, but there's a little boy sitting on my left. He's on his knees, his seatbelt is off and he's peeking out the window.
Then it hits me. This is my son. I'm bringing him to see his father. That's who I was speaking to on the phone earlier.
I gave birth to my son alone. Well, not like in a forest away from civilization, where I cut the umbilical cord myself or anything, but in a hospital with doctors and nurses. Just no family or friends or anyone being there for moral support. His father never knew I was pregnant and doesn't know about this boy. I get the feeling that no one knew I was pregnant and had a son. That's pretty typical of me; deal with my problems alone and not let on that there's anything going on.
And I have to be, hands down, the worst mother on the entire planet because I don't know my own son's name. I think he was born in the winter, but I don't know the exact date or time. I know that he's almost three years old. And from the looks of it, I guess he likes Lego.
He pats me gently on the thigh to get my attention. "媽媽... 雪雪" (Mama... snow-snow), he says in Mandarin, pointing out the window. I smile and completely melt at the cuteness. I kiss him on the top of his head and he goes back to looking out the window. He thinks the clouds look like a snowscape, just like I did when I was little. =) The Chinese KidSpeak convention is to duplicate a character. "Car" would be "car-car", "house" becomes "house-house", etc.
While he was facing me, I was trying to study his face and try to see who he looked like. He's full Chinese, so his father must be Chinese too. He looks a lot like me when I was little, he looks a bit like my brother, and yet, different too. So, he's definitely a combination of his father and me. But I couldn't quite tell who he could look like besides me.
He's a very well-behaved child. It strikes me as slightly odd, but then again, I was an incredibly calm and well-behaved child too. I could sit quietly and play by myself for hours while my parents attended to their own things.
I go back to trying to figure out the circumstances surrounding the boy's birth, why I'm not married to his father and just what the hell happened. The Dream Me is starting to panic, I guess from sheer anxiety at the situation. This is the trip where I'm going to introduce my son to his father and explain everything. But this makes the Real Me panic as well because I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE about the history of all this and I don't know what I'm going to say.
When was he born?
How did I manage?
Why didn't I tell him?
Why am I springing it on him now?
What are we going to do from now on?
What do I want from him?
Try as I might, I have no idea how we got together or why we broke up in the first place. I had to give up because I felt like I was going to give myself an aneurysm trying to remember. I don't feel any animosity towards this guy and I didn't feel anything but friendliness from him. He actually sounded pretty eager to see me on the phone. There's certainly no malicious intent on my part. I get the feeling that I didn't mean to hide this whole child business from him, but that it never came up. Never came up? I'm just as baffled as to how it "never came up".
I knew that I didn't want child support payments. I had come this far without any help, I was confident I could continue alone. And if my son's father lived a plane ride away, I wasn't going to badger him about never being there for the boy. I wasn't sure if I wanted marriage. I certainly didn't want to use the child to force him to marry me. And what about visitation? What about his parents, my son's grandparents? They were his paternal grandparents and they did have a right to see their grandson regularly. But I didn't know these people... could I be sure that they wouldn't just take my son and not let me have him back? What would I do if they did? Where would I go? Where was the Canadian Consulate? Does my baby have ID? Does he have birthmarks? Have I had him fingerprinted? I don't know.
My head started to spin, thinking of all these things. Why wasn't I prepared for any of that? Why did I just stupidly do this without thinking it through? I was wishing I had never gotten on the plane and never had the stupid thought to bring my son to see his father. He would have been perfectly fine without this and now I was about to throw a wrench in his life. That wasn't fair to him. What the hell am I doing?
I'm sitting on a park bench. I guess this is The Park. I don't really know what city or town I'm in. There's green grass, a few trees and a playground. That could be anywhere. It's fairly warm out though and I'm taking Daniel's jacket off after some monkeying around.
Daniel. That's my son's name. Okay. Got it. DanielDanielDanielDanielDanielDaniel. My son's name is Daniel. Don't forget that, you horrible mother. AAAGH... I'm thinking to myself. Now what on God's green earth is his LAST NAME? It's not my maiden name. It starts with a 'C'. Chen? If I had been that close to my son's father to obviously have slept with him, you'd think I'd at least know his name. But no, I don't. Wow, how slutty am I?
Someone walks up to us on the bench.
"Hi" he says. That's him. I say hello back. He's wearing a cute bemused smile and looking at Daniel. The sun is right next to his head and I can't make out his face at all. The boy is staring up at him with that dumbfounded look that kids get. =) I turn to my son and coax him gently, "叫爸爸..." (say Daddy...).
There's a long moment as his father's unwitting smile slowly falls away and is replaced by the realization.
The three of us are indoors in a bedroom. Daniel is playing on the bed with the box of Lego his father gave him at the park. His father and I are sitting at a small table. I'm guessing at this point that it's my hotel room.
We both have a frozen stare, mine on the floor and his, out the window. Neither of us are talking. I'm not sure if I've said anything yet. Have we just gotten here and he's taking a moment to steel himself to hear me explain? Or have I spilled my guts and he's currently totally overwhelmed, trying to absorb it and make sense of it?
He reaches over and touches my hand softly on the table.
It was a cute dream... if strange and twisted. It was disturbing, but not nearly as bad as the rip-roaring nightmares I used to have.
[Update - Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 1009h]
- Telephone — To dream that you are having a telephone conversation with someone you know, signifies an issue that you need to confront with that person. This issue may have to do with letting go some part of yourself.
I wanted to confront with that person in the dream, but I don't know who he is, so I don't know who or what it could be in my waking life... More on "him" below.
- Airplane — To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise above to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.
- Park — To dream that you are at a park, represents a temporary escape from reality. It indicates renewal, meditation, and spirituality. It also suggests a readjustment period after a serious personal conflict or an ending of a passionate affair.
- Hotel — To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking.
But, I did think the hotel room was a bedroom at first:
- Bedroom — To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations.
- Bed — To see your bed in your dream, represents you intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. Beds usually represent security and restoration of the mind, domestic bliss and peace. To dream that you are going to bed with a stranger, suggests that you are making friends too fast. You need to be more cautious.
Then there's the boy that's my son:
- Son — To see your son in your dream, signifies your ideal, hopes, potential, and the youthful part of yourself.
- Boy — If you are female and dream that you see or are a boy, then it indicates that you are developing the masculine aspects of character. Alternatively, it may represent your feelings about a real-life boy who is important and significant to you. You may have a crush on this boy and your waking thoughts of him has carried over into the dream world. Your motherly instincts may be taking over.
- Child/Children — To see children in your dream, signifies your own childlike qualities or a retreat back to a childlike state. It is an extension of your inner child during a time of innocence, purity, simplicity, and a carefree attitude. You may be longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured.
And the boy's father. He isn't my "husband" per se, in the dream or in my waking life, but he is a partner of some sort and obviously a former lover in the dream. It could be significant that I'm unable to identify him in the dream. I'm seeing a lot of clues, but seeing definitive proof and drawing the final conclusion as to who he is, was never possible. I'm not sure whether it's to indicate the concept of him representing something generic or a general issue (ie. it doesn't matter who he is, it's what he represents that's important); OR that I know something that I don't want to know (ie. I'm suppressing something). I think my subconscious could be purposely blocking him out.
- Father — To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father.
- Husband — To dream that you have a husband (but you do not in your waking life), symbolizes some sort of partnership and/or commitment. Often, it is also representative of the qualities of your father in which you projected onto this figure or the masculine side of your own personality.
- Lover — To see a lover in your dream, symbolizes acceptance, self-worth, and acknowledgement of your true inner value. It may also indicate integration of masculine and feminine traits into yourself. You are feeling complete or whole. To dream of an old or former lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Your current relationship may be awakening some of those same issues.
Because I was bringing my son to see his father, I wonder if it meant reconciliation — that I am or should be trying to reconcile some things in my waking life.
- Mother — Mothers represent nurturing aspects of character, shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection.
Throughout the dream, I kept thinking that I was a bad mother. But I was reallyreally happy to have Daniel. I definitely felt mothering instincts; I was freaking out at the thought of losing him or having him taken away from me. I loved him with all my heart and definitely wanted to do what was best for him. Even if it wasn't well thought out, I had the best of intentions. This could be speaking to my fears of being a bad parent and that it's okay, kids don't come with man pages, no one's a perfect parent the very first time, everyone just does their best to muddle through.
I think it's also worth noting that throughout the dream, I'm being angry at myself for not thinking, not remembering things that I should have, not having any common sense, just generally being a moron about everything and that I really expected better of myself.
There's the issue of the unintended pregnancy and the circumstances of his birth:
- Pregnant — To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing, often spiritual or psychological growth. It represents a transitional phase in your life that is in the process of growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.
So, the fact that Daniel is born and a toddler now, might mean that I am ready to talk about it/act on it... (?) Maybe? In the dream, it is an "outing" of sorts to tell his father for the first time.
- Birth — To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings or a major upcoming event. Alternatively, the dream may be calling attention to your inner child and the potential for your to grow. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.
On the plane, Daniel pointed out clouds that look like snow:
- Clouds — To see fluffy white clouds in your dream, signify inner peace and spiritual harmony. An issue in your waking life may be clearing up.
- Snow — To see snow in your dream, signifies your inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.
- Playground — To dream that you are on a playground, indicates your desires to escape from your daily responsibilities. Consider also objects in the playground as expressing or your need to express some aspect of yourself. Perhaps you need to be more carefree or have some fun getting to know some of your talents and abilities that you have long ignored or disregarded.
- Lego — I couldn't find "Lego" or "blocks" or "building blocks" specifically, but I'm almost positive this is talking about building blocks, giving the child tools, nurturing and developing. I also looked up "toys" just in case.
- Toys — To see toys in your dream, symbolizes childhood, domestic joy and harmony. You may be searching for the comfort and security of home. It also represents playful attitudes and your childish ways. To see others playing with toys, foretells of a happy and successful marriage.
There's also the general feelings of anxiety and helplessness. Things are happening around me and to me, and I don't know what's going on. I somehow have tasks to accomplish. I have either taken it upon myself or the tasks were dumped on me. I have no background information, no support and nowhere to turn for any information on how to do it. And yet, the tasks are not completely out of reach for me. If I composed myself and thought about it a while, I could find a way to deal with it.
The more I think about it, the more it could have been Husband Guy who was the mysterious stranger. When I think about how he touched my hand on the table, that action was very very familiar. It was the way Husband Guy touches my hand on the table all the time. But that could be because he's the only person who's ever touched me that way and my subconscious is using the only memory I have of that to show me.