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Grim Killjoy Anti-Romantic

weather: cloudy
outside: 9°C
mood: cheerful
A few entries back in his journal, Ben was talking about the idea of soulmates, or "The One". I gabbled at him for a while and decided to transplant my comments into my own journal entry.

I don't believe in "The One" or "soulmates". I think we just find someone that we get along reasonably well with and work together on the rest.

IMHO, I find the belief in the concept of "The One" rather dangerous. The relationship between partners will always take work. As soon as people decide "this person is 'The One'", what's implied is: "okay, I don't have to work at it anymore, it should be self-sustaining from now on".

Which is the beginning of the end.

Getting along so well with someone that you can't imagine being in a long-term relationship with anyone else is great. I don't dispute that.

But firstly, I wish people would understand that a marriage is so much more than a long-term relationship.

Secondly, you also need to be able to "NOT get along" well together... applying mathematical precedence, it's ((not (get along)) well). Obviously, if you're (not ((getting along) well)), then there's no point. But ((getting along) well) AND ((not (getting along)) well) is essential for a marital relationship.

In English: you need to be able to vehemently disagree, fight like cats and dogs and even HATE each other. And still be able to resolve that. And still love each other. And be committed to your partnership and life together. Outside of abuse, there can't be any more dealbreakers.

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Comments

( 41 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
bride
Jan. 25th, 2005 07:36 am (UTC)
I don't think soulmates and "The One" are congruent concepts.

Okay, I've heard this a few times now. What is the difference?
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
retrospeck
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:12 am (UTC)
I agree with the soulmate/"the One" thing. I believe that people are compatible with many other people out there, you just pick one to stick it out with.

However I disagree with the intuition thing, I think this could vary from person to person. I myself generally have good intuition (most often with peoples characters). I wouldn't call it "fact" because if I don't know someone, I can't say it's a fact, but I have found that I have rarely been wrong with my first impression 'intuition'. I may choose not to listen to it, and as a result, I've had some pretty shitty things happen with people I've be-friended despite my gut feeling, howeover that has nothing to do with my intuition and everything to do with my own personal decision.
katie_ah
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:22 am (UTC)
I agree about the intuition thing. When I don't listen to my initial gut reaction, something bad *always* happens. Likewise, my intuition for certain things to do with my life has never been wrong either- but sometimes I just don't trust myself.

BTW, I just bought retrospeck e/s the other day. How I looooove it. :)
(no subject) - retrospeck - Jan. 25th, 2005 02:32 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
yueni
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:38 am (UTC)
You know, I don't quite know what I believe, whether there is The One, or whether there isn't. However, I do like where you said it takes the ability to Not Get Along well to make a good marriage, and not not Getting Along Well.

I'd never really quite seen it from that perspective, and I think that that's an important one to see things from. I personally don't think that there's any way you can get into a relationship expecting it to work if you don't expend energy in it, whether there is The One or not.
bride
Jan. 25th, 2005 07:26 pm (UTC)
the ability to Not Get Along well to make a good marriage, and not not Getting Along Well.

Yes, that's a much clearer way of spelling it out than parentheses =D Thanks.
ducks
Jan. 25th, 2005 02:42 am (UTC)
I don't believe in "The One" or "soulmates". I think we just find someone that we get along reasonably well with and work together on the rest.

I completely agree with this. In fact, that's what I always tell lovestruck friends, and I always end up being called a pessimist. *shrug* Perhaps it is pessimistic, but I truly believe that meeting the right person depends on time and circumstances. Then, maintaining that takes a lot of plain hard work. Love is never "at first sight". Love and being with the right person means meeting them at the right time, and working together to nurture that relationship. I always maintain that had I not met PB, I would probably be married, and just as happily, to someone else! (How's that for un-romantic).
bride
Jan. 25th, 2005 04:00 am (UTC)
I always end up being called a pessimist.

Depending on their tone with me, if I'm feeling particularly like being an asshole, I'll say, "my marriage is going 13 years strong, how about _yours_?"
(no subject) - kat_box - Jan. 25th, 2005 08:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
axiem
Jan. 25th, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
Out of curiosity, what's your MBTI again? (I'm thinking you're ST, though I'm not sure about the other two).

I generally agree with the soulmates thing, and generally disagree with the intuition thing. I very strongly trust my intuition on things.

Of course, when it comes to people, it's also an issue of faith for me. I do believe that when it's time, God will lead me to the right woman, and I will know it's her that I'm supposed to be led to.

As I said, a faith thing.

But in general, I tend to trust my hunches and intuitions about other people. More often than not, they tend to be right.
yueni
Jan. 25th, 2005 03:25 am (UTC)
!! You're into MBTI too? For some reason, I've pegged bride as an INTJ. But that's just me speaking =P.

*is an INTP*
(no subject) - axiem - Jan. 25th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - yueni - Jan. 25th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:10 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - yueni - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:31 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:02 am (UTC) - Expand
sertrel
Jan. 25th, 2005 03:08 am (UTC)
Hahaha, so far no one here has stood up in defense of "the one true soulmate" and yet I bet it's an unspoken silent majority belief, and we of the other beliefs are the minority.

As far as evaluating the ((! (getting along)) well) expression, I'd have to say true but equally as important is the ability to just "be" and not feel restless. I've seen too many relationships fail due to restlessness and an unwillingness to reconcile one's self with the other person's "little" faults, one day one half will wake up and suddenly the little bad things are so much and all the little good things are so small.

However, it seems that many disagree about the importance of intuition, and I'd actually agree, especially within certain scopes. Intuition, to me, is the brain's way of resolving many small, conflicting pieces of information, weighted by importance, into a "sense". Certainly when I was in school, "intuition" was what let me look at an answer and decide whether or not it just made sense or not. I think intuition is useful if you're willing to be flexible about re-evaluating as you get more information.
magicwoman
Jan. 25th, 2005 03:19 am (UTC)
We agree on this! I don't think there is "one" soulmate. How unfare if that "one" doesn't think you're the "one." I guess you'd be stuck.

Talking about math, that reminds me of the new show on TV last night "Numbers." Very interesting!

Susan
pne
Jan. 25th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
I don't think there is "one" soulmate.

Same.

How unfare if that "one" doesn't think you're the "one." I guess you'd be stuck.

Heh, yeah, I thought that, too. Or what if you spend so much time until you find the "one", and supposing that you did in the end but you're 86 and still single, wouldn't it have been nicer to be in a happy marriage for 60 years or so by that point instead?

And I also agree with the bride's I think we just find someone that we get along reasonably well with and work together on the rest.
drsaddam
Jan. 25th, 2005 05:48 am (UTC)
I agree
The fact that you are willing to work with each other to either: 1) resolve differences or 2) accept the things in each other you cannot change is a sign of true commitment and "love."

I also don't believe in Soulmates or the "One." I believe we first know deeply whom we are, get ourselves in a place where we're ready to commit (rain or shine) to making it work with someone, pick someone with general qualities we tend to like best, and go for it.

Here's what I wrote in 2002 on Soulmates.
bride
Jan. 25th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC)
Re: I agree
Heh, RBJ. I find Scott intriguing =)

I believe we first know deeply whom we are, get ourselves in a place where we're ready to commit

Some can definitely commit before they know themselves deeply. I had made my decision at 16, almost 17. How well could I have known myself back then, really? =)
Re: I agree - drsaddam - Jan. 25th, 2005 07:59 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: I agree - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
jenny_rambles
Jan. 25th, 2005 07:02 am (UTC)
I don't believe in "The One" or "soulmates". I think we just find someone that we get along reasonably well with and work together on the rest.

I agree 100%. I think there are many people out there, somewhere, that I could be happy with. I'm happy with the choice I made. :)
And I so agree that a relationship is work. The ones that forget that are the ones that end up divorced.
(Deleted comment)
bride
Jan. 25th, 2005 07:35 am (UTC)
You're confusing the phraseology of soulmate or the idea of the one.

Okay, I've heard this a few times now. What is the difference?

It's kind of like not having more than one word for "snow" because it just doesn't occur in my climate, I have no idea that they're different =)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 25th, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - bride - Jan. 26th, 2005 03:07 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
karinakarina
Jan. 25th, 2005 07:54 am (UTC)
my mother has a very unromantic view on marriage. according to her, you don't necessarily end up with the person who you are/were most in love with. you end up with whoever is around when you're ready to settle down.

i haven't decided on how i feel about the concept of "the one." soulmate doesn't necessarily have to be your spouse.
drsaddam
Jan. 25th, 2005 08:01 am (UTC)
I kinda wonder if that will happen to me. *Gulp*
(Deleted comment)
rcantilles
Jan. 25th, 2005 01:14 pm (UTC)
Ah, that intuition when you meet someone the first time. I have had it too, but with more than one person. And not all of them were men. I'm not trying to say that I'm bi, but rather, I think on some level, there are people out there who are "kindred spirits" and things just click on a very intimate level immediately.

And to re-iterate
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user=bride>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Ah, that intuition when you meet someone the first time. I have had it too, but with more than one person. And not all of them were men. I'm not trying to say that I'm bi, but rather, I think on some level, there are people out there who are "kindred spirits" and things just click on a very intimate level immediately.

And to re-iterate <lj-user=bride>'s main point, that doesn't mean you don't have to work at the relationship. This is true of any friendship, be it with significant other, or dear friend. One of my dearest college friends, with whom I did have that sort of connection, doesn't speak with me anymore and vice versa, because we walked our relationship into an extremely complicated corner, and couldn't get out without hurting each other.
aliasa
Jan. 27th, 2005 02:00 pm (UTC)
I am a hopeless romantic and would like to believe in the concept of 'the one.'

I have encountered people who have told me their tales of "How when I first met this person, I knew she/he would be the one. I know I would end up marrying him/her."

Sometimes, I feel some people have it so much easier. They're the lucky ones.

That said, as much as I would like to hope/wish for the concept of the 'one', I know it won't happen for me that way. Meaning, when it comes to relationships it will require plenty of ongoing work. Lots of it.

Regarding intuition, I usually have a very good one. The problem is, like another commenter, I don't necessarily listen to it. Red flags may be going off in my head, but I may choose to ignore them. I am getting much better at not disregarding those flags anymore.

Saves me grief. ;p

The other thing about intuition in relationships, timing is absolutely crucial too. Though I may feel a certain way about someone and think it would totally work out, if timing is not right,
and if the other person is not willing to meet you halfway or commit some energy to the effort, there's absolutely nothing you can do.

razorw
Jan. 29th, 2005 12:40 am (UTC)
I'm with aliasa on this one. I believe in the one.

I just get these feelings the instant I meet someone, and how they will play a part into my life. Be it a lead role, a walk on role, or just a snippet ... I'm rarely wrong, and I do follow my heart, because I would be nothing without it. Without that .. that would not be me.

I do though .. think .. that there could be that one out there .. that you might never meet though ... I really do believe there's only a select few people (at least me), that I could spend the rest or eternity (or at least the rest of my days) with...

But .. when I get married ... who knows if any of the rhetoric I've spewed today makes sense .. in any case, I'll let you know... --Ray
minnesattva
Feb. 4th, 2005 09:41 pm (UTC)
This seems to be almost precisely what I want to say on the subject. As a girl in her early-twenties with many friends who are the same, it's becoming pervasive now that they all seem to want to Settle Down, or something. It's strange to me, but stranger that I may end up being married before any of them (who aren't already)! How'd that happen?
( 41 comments — Leave a comment )

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